My online gambling addiction ruined my life - RN - ABC

I'm 25, putting myself through school, and I've been struggling with gambling for the last two years. Just recently (last month), I stopped frequenting casinos and admitted the addiction to a couple people closest to me. I'm committed to climbing myself out of the hole I've dug despite it seeming impossibly deep.
I've never dealt with addiction before other than smoking for a couple years when I was younger. I would never have guessed that I would become as addicted to gambling as I am now, I had always considered gambling to be a dumb way to blow money. I think doing an AMA will be a cathartic experience and a chance to really be honest with myself.

A common status-quo bias is judging anything new by much higher standards than the status-quo itself is ever held to. This is practically a hallmark of trying to discuss things with conservatives: their dismissal of anything they're not used to for being imperfect, despite what they're used to not being perfect either.
In posting about alternate ways to plan production, inevitably do I get some replies insisting any method but our current one is surely implausible because they can't imagine precisely how it might address some contrived problem they just thought of. The shortcomings of capitalism are meanwhile swept under the rug. In general, they act like capitalism is some gold standard of efficiency, and so any conceivable problem of an alternate is a net loss.
A defense enjoyed for its veneer of academic prestige is the idea that nothing but the capitalist price system could possibly create enough information to plan things by. There's no particular reason to believe this – it's just something they say – but let's take a step back and acknowledge what may well be an even more important point, which is that's not a high bar. We just have to do at least the job capitalism is already doing?
Letting rich people plan the economy is already terribly inefficient and fails all the time. It's not a gold standard just because it's the thing we're currently stuck with (and I do mean stuck).
To consider:

1. The information gleaned from prices is very limited in scope to begin with, concerned only with demand that can be fulfilled in existing market conditions in a way that's profitable for the rich. The homeless, or those people who need healthcare they can't afford, are effectively invisible. Forget about any sort of public work or utility. The externalities of your actions can likewise be dismissed. (This alone is sufficient reason to demand a different system, since the externalities capitalists disregard are what's destroying us. The environment is only the most obvious form of this; it's a multifaceted problem that echoes throughout society. A conservative may appreciate the detrimental affect it has on culture: capitalists have no respect for you, your people, or your traditions; they just want you to consoome. The 'externalities' understanding is here applicable.)
   
2. The information implicitly created by our purchases isn't as useful as you've been led to think. Most consumption is pretty far from 'rational,' and what choices we make (within the limited range of choices capitalists choose to present us with) is more predictable than either planners or consumers seem comfortable to admit. We don't stop and do research before every purchase we make; shopping is (and is designed to be) compulsive; we react well to emotional manipulation, branding, flashy packaging, bullshit 'deals,' and our own addictions. This is what I talked about in my previous thread, 'Let's plan production': giving people actual control over their economy would be far more accurate and meaningful than just observing how they act inside a system that's designed to manipulate them in certain ways to begin with.
   
3. It's not like capitalists aren't constantly mismanaging resources, even with all this information they supposedly have. Economic crises are just a fact of life in capitalist society, and the price system is constantly tainted by things unrelated to any actual demand. The average person has to endure a shoddy housing market because of the extent to which housing prices have come to reflect rich people's penchant for investment, gambling, and tax evasion more so than they are a measure of how many people actually need housing. And the next time the system collapses on itself, it'll again be the poor who suffer while the rich make off like bandits. (And of course, workers losing their jobs and homes and savings is tolerated where it's acknowledge at all, because the operational definition for 'efficiency' for conservatives is 'whatever makes rich people the most money.')
   

• The reaper takes on the son of the man he had just killed to be his apprentice
• Irina Jelavich is taken in by Lovro to become an assassin
• Gakūho Asano opens his crammschool
• One of Gakūho's students commits suicide. Principal Asano quites his job to reevaluate his teaching philosophies
• Gakūho Asano drives the men who drove his student to take his own life to a dangerous gambling addiction. In his spare time, he took karate lessons and beat a black belt on his 3rd day
• Principal Asano open Kunugigaoka Junior High
• The Reapers apprentice betrayes him, leading him to get caught and used for experimentation
• The reaper is experimented on, and slowly becomes something not human. He also meets Aguri Yukimura
• A rat used for testing becomes unstable and obliterates 75% of the moon. The reaper escapes and slaughters everyone in the testing facility, except for Yanagisawa and Yukimura. Yanagisawa escapes with his eye stabbed and Yukimura is impaled by a spear and starts bleeding out. The reaper fully transforms into a yellow octopus. The tentacles ask him what he wants, and he says he wants to be flawed and grow.
• Yukimura's sister witnesses her sisters death and blames the reaper for killing her. She takes a vile of tentacle seed and later dyes her hair and injects the tentacle seed into her neck. The tentacles ask what she wants, and she says revenge
• Yanagisawa, now disguised as Shiro, gives Itona Horibe the tentacle seed
• Akari Yukimura enrolls into Kunugigaoka under Kaede Kayano and gets transferred to the E-Class. There, she meets Nagisa Shioto and gives him the roll of main character (figuratively not literally)
• The reaper visits the government and claims to be the one who destroyed the moon. Here, he agrees to not destroy the Earth until next March as long as he is allowed to teach at Kunugigaoka Junior High class 3-E. After a failed assassination attempt, he threatened the to kill the students friends, family, or everyone else in the world if they attempt another irresponsible assassination attempt. Afterwards he is given the name Korosensei by Kaede Kayano
• Karma's suspension ends and he is sent to class 3-E
• Assasin Irina Jelavich is given a new target; Korosensei. After she fails, she decides to stay in the E class until Korosensei is killed
• During a class trip, an assassin by the name of Red-eye is given Korosensei as his new target. After failing and talking with Korosensei, he quits his job as an assassin. Korosensei hints at his past to Karasuma
•An A.I is given the directive of assassinating Korosensei. She is given the name Ritsu
• Shiro introduces Itona Horibe as Korosensei's brother, and they have a one on one fight that Korosensei wins
• A new agent from the ministry of defense named Takaoka comes to replace Karasuma. He quickly shows his violent side and challenges Karasuma to choose one of his students to try to kill him. Karasuma chooses Nagisa and he quickly defeats Takaoka. The principal fires Takaoka
• Shiro and Itona put their new assassination plan into action and fail
• Lovro teaches Nagisa an assassination trick
• Class 3-E wins a trip to an island where they will try their biggest assassination attempt on Korosensei.
• Class 3-E puts their plan into action and they fail due to Korosensei's absolute defense form
• Half of the class is poisoned by a mystery man who plans to kill Korosensei. The rest of the class decides to infiltrate the hotel and confront the mystery man who claims to have the antidote
• Inside, Irina distracts the gaurds and the class defeat 3 hired assassins. They confront the mystery man who is revealed to be Takaoka who wants to kill Korosensei and claim the bounty, but most importantly, get revenge on Nagisa
• Takaoka forces Nagisa to apologize to him, and then proceeds to blow up the antidote. Enraged, Nagisa threatens to kill Takaoka.
• Terasaka calms down Nagisa, and he uses the assassination technique taught to him by Lovro and defeats Takaoka. The others students are revealed to be perfectly fine by the hired assassins who tricked Takaoka into thinking the students were going to die
• Korosensei turned back into his regular octopus form
• Lovro is attacked by the reapers apprentice (who took over the name of the reaper) and is presumed dead
• Shiro and Itona attack Korosensei. After Intona fails, Shiro abandons him.
• Itona gets his tentacles removed and joins E Class. It is revealed when the tentacles asked what he wanted, he said he wanted to be strong
• Irina is rejected by Karasuma and storms off. She is later found by the reaper.
• The reaper threatens 3-E to come to a specific location so he can put his plan of assassinating Korosensei into action. If they don't he will kill Irina
• The reapers captures the students and Korosensei. Irina is revealed to be working with the reaper and Karasuma decides to fight back
• Karasuma defeats the reaper and Irina goes back to the E Class
• Nagisa's abusive home life is revealed
• After the E Class scores in the top 50 on exams, the principal challenges Korosensei and reflects on his past.
• Kaede Kayano attempts to kill Korosensei with her tentacles. She reveals her true colors
• Nagisa helps Korosensei remove her tentacles by kissing Kayano
• Shiro reveals himself as Yanagisawa accompanied by someone he calls "2.0" and Korosensei reveals his past
• Class 3-E is torn on saving and killing Korosensei; Mainly Nagisa (save) and Karma (kill). The class has a contest to solve this dispute. After remembering their past/friendship, Karma lets Nagisa win
• In hopes to receive information on how to save Korosensei , the class helps Karma and Nagisa get on a space shuttle and go up in space where information about the tests done on Korosensei is held on the ISS
• After receiving the information, the class learns there is a less than 1% Korosensei will self destruct and the cure is almost identical to the one Okuda made in episode 5. The class decides to continue trying to assassinate Korosensei
• After getting some pictures taken bt Korosensei for a school yearbook, the students head home, not knowing that the government is moving on with the final assassination project
• Korosensei, now trapped on the mountain, survives the first blast of the "Spear Of Heaven" and Yanagisawa and "2.0" sneak in before the the entire mountain is sealed off with an anti-tentacle barrier. The rest of the class go over to check it out, but they are bombarded with people trying to interview them, under the impression they were held hostage
• Karasuma gathers the children up, and tells them to stay out of this, but because of something he said earlier, Nagisa knows he doesn't mean that. The spear of Heaven will go off in two weeks time
• The class silences the guards and heads up tge mountain to see Korosensei for the final time
• The class meets up with Korosensei and they decide to give him a birthday. This is cut short by Yanagisawa and "2.0" who is revealed to be the reaper with tentacle seed. The reaper appears as a giant tentacles monster and is said to move at mach 40, 2 times greater than Korosensei's mach 20
• After some arguing and insults from the class, Yanagisawa injects himself with tentacle seed
• While watching the fight and seeing Korosensei is losing, Kayano goes to attack the reaper, but is impaled through the chest, in a similar way to her sister
• Nagisa carries Kayano's limp body and he along with the rest of the class get off the mountain before Korosensei, now enraged, uses his full power
• The blast sends Yanagisawa into the anti-tentacle barrier and he disintegrates
• The reaper meets the same fate, but reveals that when the tentacles asked what he wanted, he said he wanted to make his former teacher proud
• The students return to Korosensei, who is severely wounded and he heals Kayano. Weakened , Korosensei collapses. Tye students want to help him, but realize that because Korosensei is so unnatural and scary to the public, he has to die. Instead of leaving it to tye spear of heaven, all of tge students hold him down and Nagisa gets ready to stab him in the heart
• The class has one final rolecall, and Nagisa kills Korosensei. As Korosensei disintegrates into yellow light, the class, as well as Irina cry. Karasuma looks down in sadness and goes down the mountain to the government base
• All the students sit down in their classroom and sleep. In the night, the spear of Heaven went off, but they didn't realize it since it's only harmful to the one's with tentacles.
• Karasuma and tye government reward the children with their earned 10,000,000,000 Yen ($95,515,550)
I hope you enjoyed my timeli e of my all time favorite anime. If I missed something let me know. Thanks for reading

In the late 1980s and early 1990s when I was a young teen growing up in far North Austin, it was a popular custom for many boys in the neighborhood to assemble at the local Stop-N-Go after school on a regular basis for some Grand Champion level tournaments in Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat. The collective insistence of our mothers and fathers to get out of the house, get some exercise, and refrain from playing NES or Sega on the television only led us to seek out more video games at the convenience store down the road. Much allowance and lunch money was spent as well as hours that should have been devoted to homework among the 8 or 9 regular boys in attendance, often challenging each other to 'Best of 5' matches. I myself played Dhalsim and SubZero, and not very well, so I rarely ever made it to the 5th match. The store workers frequently kicked us out for the day only to have us return when they weren't working the counter anymore if not the next day.
There is something about that which has been lost in the present day. While people can today download the latest games on Steam or PSN or in the app store on your smartphone, you can't just find arcade games in stores and restaurants like you used to be able to. And so the fun of a spontaneous 8 or 10 person multiplayer video game tournament has been confined to places like bars, pool halls, Pinballz or Dave&Busters.
But in truth it was that ubiquity of arcade video games, how you could find them in any old 7-11 or Laundromat, which is what killed the original arcades of the early 1980s before the Great Crash of 1983 when home video game consoles started to catch up to what you saw in the arcade.
I was born in the mid 1970s so I missed out on Pong. I was kindergarten age when the Golden Age of Arcade Games took place in the early 1980s. There used to be a place called Skateworld on Anderson Mill Road that was primarily for roller skating but had a respectable arcade in its own right. It was there that I honed my skills on the original Tron, Pac Man, Galaga, Pole Position, Defender, and so many others. In the 1980s I remember visiting all the same mall arcades as others in my age group. There was Aladdin's Castle in Barton Creek Mall, The Gold Mine in Highland, and another Gold Mine in Northcross which was eventually renamed Tilt. Westgate Mall also had an arcade but being a north austin kid I never went there until later in the mid 1990s. There were also places like Malibu Grand Prix and Showbiz Pizza and Chuck-E-Cheeze, all of which had fairly large arcades for kids which were the secondary attraction.
If you're of a certain age you will remember Einsteins and LeFun on the Drag. They were there for a few decades going back way before the Slacker era. Lesser known is that the UT Student Union basement used to have an arcade that was comparable to either or both of those places. Back in the pre-9/11 days it was much easier to sneak in if you even vaguely looked like you could be a UT student.
But there was another place I was too young to have experienced called Smitty's up further north on 183 at Lake Creek in the early 1980s. I never got to go there but I always heard about it from older kids at the time. It was supposed to have been two stories of wall to wall games with a small snack bar. I guess at the time it served a mostly older teen crowd from Westwood High School and for that reason younger kids my age weren't having birthday parties there. It wasn't around very long, just a few years during the Golden Age of Arcades.
It is with almost-forgotten early arcades like that in mind that I wanted to share with y'all some examples of places from The Golden Age of the Video Arcade in Austin using some old Statesman articles I've found. Maybe someone of a certain age on here will remember them. I was curious what they were like, having missed out by being slightly too young to have experienced most of them first hand. I also wanted to see the original reaction to them in the press. I had a feeling there was some pushback from school/parent/civic groups on these facilities showing up in neighborhood strip malls or next to schools, and I was right to suspect. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First let's list off some places of interest. Be sure to speak up if you remember going to any of these, even if it was just for some other kid's birthday party. Unfortunately some of the only mentions about a place are reports of a crime being committed there, such as our first few examples.
Forgotten Arcade #1
Fun House/Play Time Arcade - 2820 Guadalupe
June 15, 1975

ARCADE ENTHUSIASM
A gang fight involving 20 30 people erupted early Saturday morning in front of an arcade on Guadalupe Street. The owner of the Fun House Arcade at 282J Guadalupe told police pool cues, lug wrenches, fists and a shotgun were displayed during the flurry. Police are unsure what started the fisticuffs, but one witness at the scene said it pitted Chicanos against Anglos. During the fight the owner of the arcade said a green car stopped at the side of the arcade and witnesses reported the barrel of a shotgun sticking out. The crowd wisely scattered and only a 23-year-old man was left lying on the ground. He told police he doesn't know what happened.

March 3, 1976

ARCADE ROBBED
A former employee of Play Time Arcade, 2820 Guadalupe, was charged Tuesday in connection with the Tuesday afternoon robbery of his former business. Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Ronnie Magee, 22, of 1009 Aggie Lane, Apt. 306. Arcade attendant Sam Garner said he had played pool with the suspect an hour before the robbery. He told police the man had been fired from the business two weeks earlier. Police said a man walked in the arcade about 2:45 p m. with a blue steel pistol and took $180. Magee is charged with first degree aggravated robbery. Bond was set on the charge at $15,000.

First it was called Fun House and then renamed Play Time a year later. I'm not sure what kind of arcade games beyond Pong and maybe Asteroids they could have had at this place. The peak of the Pinball craze was supposed to be around 1979, so they might have had a few pinball machines as well. A quick search of youtube will show you a few examples of 1976 video games like Death Race. The location is next to Ken's Donuts where PokeBowl is today where the old Baskin Robbins location was for many years.
Forgotten Arcade #2
Green Goth - 1121 Springdale Road
May 15, 1984

A 23-year-old man pleaded guilty Monday to a January 1983 murder in East Austin and was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Jim Crowell Jr. of Austin admitted shooting 17-year-old Anthony Rodriguez in the chest with a shotgun after the two argued outside the Green Goth, a games arcade at 1121 Springdale Road, on Jan. 23, 1983. Crowell had argued with Rodriguez and a friend of Rodriguez at the arcade, police said. Crowell then went to his house, got a shotgun and returned to the arcade, witnesses said. When the two friends left the arcade, Rodriguez was shot Several weeks ago Crowell had reached a plea bargain with prosecutors for an eight-year prison term, but District Judge Bob Perkins would not accept the sentence, saying it was shorter than sentences in similar cases. After further plea bargaining, Crowell accepted the 15-year prison sentence.

I can't find anything else on Green Goth except reports about this incident with a murder there. There is at least one other report from 1983 around the time of Crowell's arrest that also refer to it as an arcade but reports the manager said the argument started over a game of pool. It's possible this place might have been more known for pool.
Forgotten Arcades #3 & #4
Games, Etc. - 1302 S. First St
Muther's Arcade - 2532 Guadalupe St
August 23, 1983

Losing the magic touch - Video Arcades have trouble winning the money game
It was going to be so easy for Lawrence Villegas, a video game junkie who thought he could make a fast buck by opening up an arcade where kids could plunk down an endless supply of quarters to play Pac-Man, Space Invaders and Asteroids. Villegas got together with a few friends, purchased about 30 video games and opened Games, Etc. at 1302 S. First St in 1980. .,--.... For a while, things, went great Kids waited in line to spend their money to drive race cars, slay dragons and save the universe.
AT THE BEGINNING of 1982, however, the bottom fell out, and Villegas' revenues fell from $400 a week to $25. Today, Games, Etc. is vacant Villegas, 30, who is now working for his parents at Tony's Tortilla Factory, hasn't decided what he'll do with the building. "I was hooked on Asteroids, and I opened the business to get other people hooked, too," Villegas said. "But people started getting bored, and it wasn't worth keeping the place open. In the end, I sold some machines for so little it made me sick."
VILLEGAS ISNT the only video game operator to experience hard times, video game manufacturers and distributors 'It used to be fairly common to get $300 a week from a machine. Now we rarely get more than $100 .
Pac-Man's a lost cause. Six months ago, you could resell a Pac-Man machine for $1,600. Now, you're lucky to get $950 if you can find a buyer." Ronnie Roark says. In the past year, business has dropped 25 percent to 65 percent throughout the country, they say. Most predict business will get even worse before the market stabilizes. Video game manufacturers and operators say there are several reasons for the sharp and rapid decline: Many video games can now be played at home on television, so there's no reason to go to an arcade. The novelty of video games has worn off. It has been more than a decade since the first ones hit the market The decline can be traced directly to oversaturation or the market arcade owners say. The number of games in Austin has quadrupled since 1981, and it's not uncommon to see them in coin-operated laundries, convenience stores and restaurants.
WITH SO MANY games to choose from, local operators say, Austinites be came bored. Arcades still take in thousands of dollars each week, but managers and owners say most of the money is going to a select group of newer games, while dozens of others sit idle.
"After awhile, they all seem the same," said Dan Moyed, 22, as he relaxed at Muther's Arcade at 2532 Guadalupe St "You get to know what the game is going to do before it does. You can play without even thinking about it" Arcade owners say that that, in a nutshell, is why the market is stagnating.
IN THE PAST 18 months, Ronnie Roark, owner of the Back Room at 2015 E. Riverside Drive, said his video business has dropped 65 to 75 percent Roark, . who supplied about 160 video games to several Austin bars and arcades, said the instant success of the games is what led to their demise. "The technology is not keeping up with people's demand for change," said Roark, who bought his first video game in 1972. "The average game is popular for two or three months. We're sending back games that are less than five months old."
Roark said the market began dropping in March 1982 and has been declining steadily ever since. "The drop started before University of Texas students left for the summer in 1982," Roark said. "We expected a 25 percent drop in business, and we got that, and more. It's never really picked up since then. - "It used to be fairly common to get $300 a week from a machine. Now we rarely get more than $100. 1 was shocked when I looked over my books and saw how much things had dropped."
TO COMBAT THE slump, Roark said, he and some arcade owners last year cut the price of playing. Even that didn't help, he said. Old favorites, such as Pac-Man, which once took in hundreds of dollars each week, he said, now make less than $3 each. "Pac-Man's a lost cause," he said. "Six months ago, you could resell a Pac-Man machine for $1,600. Now, you're lucky to get $950 if you can find a buyer." Hardest hit by the slump are the owners of the machines, who pay $3,500 to $5,000 for new products and split the proceeds with the businesses that house them.
SALEM JOSEPH, owner of Austin Amusement and Vending Co., said his business is off 40 percent in the past year. Worse yet, some of his customers began returning their machines, and he's having a hard time putting them back in service. "Two years ago, a machine would generate enough money to pay for itself in six months,' said Joseph, who supplies about 250 games to arcades. "Now that same machine takes 18 months to pay for itself." As a result, Joseph said, he'll buy fewer than 15 new machines this year, down from the 30 to 50 he used to buy. And about 50 machines are sitting idle in his warehouse.
"I get calls every day from people who want to sell me their machines," Joseph said. "But I can't buy them. The manufacturers won't buy them from me." ARCADE OWNERS and game manufacturers hope the advent of laser disc video games will buoy the market Don Osborne, vice president of marketing for Atari, one of the largest manufacturers of video games, said he expects laser disc games to bring a 25 percent increase in revenues next year. The new games are programmed to give players choices that may affect the outcome of the game, Os borne said. "Like the record and movie industries, the video game industry is dependent on products that stimulate the imagination," Osborne said "One of the reasons we're in a valley is that we weren't coming up with those kinds of products."
THE FIRST of the laser dis games, Dragonslayer and Star Wan hit the market about two months ago. Noel Kerns, assistant manager of The Gold Mine Arcade in Northcross Mall, says the new games are responsible for a $l,000-a-week increase in revenues. Still, Kerns said, the Gold Mine' total sales are down 20 percent iron last summer. However, he remain optimistic about the future of the video game industry. "Where else can you come out of the rain and drive a Formula One race car or save the universe?" hi asked.
Others aren't so optimistic. Roark predicted the slump will force half of all operators out of business and will last two more years. "Right now, we've got a great sup ply and almost no demand," Roark said. "That's going to have to change before things get- significantly better."

Well there is a lot to take from that long article, among other things, that the author confused "Dragonslayer" with "Dragon's Lair". I lol'd.
Anyone who has been to Emo's East, formerly known as The Back Room, knows they have arcade games and pool, but it's mostly closed when there isn't a show. That shouldn't count as an arcade, even though the former owner Ronnie Roark was apparently one of the top suppliers of cabinet games to the area during the Golden Era. Any pool hall probably had a few arcade games at the time, too, but that's not the same as being an arcade.
We also learn from the same article of two forgotten arcades: Muthers at 2522 Guadalupe where today there is a Mediterranean food restaurant, and another called Games, Etc. at 1302 S.First that today is the site of an El Mercado restaurant. But the article is mostly about showing us how bad the effects were from the crash at the end of the Golden Era. It was very hard for the early arcades to survive with increasing competition from home game consoles and personal computers, and the proliferation of the games into stores and restaurants.
Forgotten Arcades #5 #6 & #7
Computer Madness - 2414 S. Lamar Blvd.
Electronic Encounters - 1701 W Ben White Blvd (Southwood Mall)
The Outer Limits Amusements Center - 1409 W. Oltorf
March 4, 1982

'Quartermania' stalks South Austin
School officials, parents worried about effects of video games
A fear Is haunting the video game business. "We call it 'quartermania.' That's fear of running out of quarters," said Steve Stackable, co-owner of Computer Madness, a video game and foosball arcade at 2414 S. Lamar Blvd. The "quartermania" fear extends to South Austin households and schools, as well. There it's a fear of students running out of lunch money and classes to play the games. Local school officials and Austin police are monitoring the craze. They're concerned that computer hotspots could become undesirable "hangouts" for students, or that truancy could increase because students (high-school age and younger) will skip school to defend their galaxies against The Tempest.
So far police fears have not been substantiated. Department spokesmen say that although more than half the burglaries in the city are committed by juveniles during the daytime, they know of no connection between the break-ins and kids trying to feed their video habit But school and parental worries about misspent time and money continue. The public outcry in September 1980 against proposals to put electronic game arcades near two South Austin schools helped persuade city officials to reject the applications. One proposed location was near Barton Hills Elementary School. The other was South Ridge Plaza at William Cannon Drive and South First Street across from Bedlchek Junior High School.
Bedichek principal B.G. Henry said he spoke against the arcade because "of the potential attraction it had for our kids. I personally feel kids are so drawn to these things, that It might encourage them to leave the school building and play hookey. Those things have so much compulsion, kids are drawn to them like a magnet Kids can get addicted to them and throw away money, maybe their lunch money. I'm not against the video games. They may be beneficial with eye-hand coordination or even with mathematics, but when you mix the video games during school hours and near school buildings, you might be asking for problems you don't need."
A contingent from nearby Pleasant Hill Elementary School joined Bedichek in the fight back in 1980, although principal Kay Beyer said she received her first formal call about the games last Week from a mother complaining that her child was spending lunch money on them. Beyer added that no truancy problems have been related to video game-playing at a nearby 7-11 store. Allen Poehl, amusement game coordinator for Austin's 7-11 stores, said company policy rules out any game-playing by school-age youth during school hours. Fulmore Junior High principal Bill Armentrout said he is working closely with operators of a nearby 7-1 1 store to make sure their policy is enforced.
The convenience store itself, and not necessarily the video games, is a drawing card for older students and drop-outs, Armentrout said. Porter Junior High principal Marjorie Ball said that while video games aren't a big cause of truancy, "the money (spent on the games) is a big factor." Ball said she has made arrangements with nearby businesses to call the school it students are playing the games during school hours. "My concern is that kids are basically unsupervised, especially at the 24-hour grocery stores. That's a late hour for kids to be out. I would like to see them (games) unplugged at 10 p.m.," adds Joslin Elementary principal Wayne Rider.
Several proprietors of video game hot-spots say they sympathize with the concerns of parents and school officials. No one under 18 is admitted without a parent to Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Time Theatre at 4211 S. Lamar. That rule, says night manager David Dunagan, "keeps it from being a high school hangout. This is a family place." Jerry Zollar, owner of J.J. Subs in West Wood Shopping Center on Bee Cave Road, rewards the A's on the report cards of Eanes school district students with free video games. "It's kind of a community thing we do in a different way. I've heard from both teachers and parents . . . they thought this was a good idea," said Zollar.
Electronic Encounters in Southwood Mall last year was renovated into a brightly lit arcade. "We're trying to get away from the dark, barroom-type place. We want this to be a place for family entertainment We won't let kids stay here during school hours without a written note from their parents, and we're pretty strict about that," said manager Kelly Roberts. Joyce Houston, who manages The Outer Limits amusements center at 1409 W. Oltorf St. along with her husband, said, "I wouldn't let my children go into some of the arcades I've visited. I'm a concerned parent, too. We wanted a place where the whole family could come and enjoy themselves."

Well you can see which way the tone of all these articles is going. There were some crimes committed at some arcades but all of them tended to have a negative reputation for various reasons. Parents and teachers were very skeptical of the arcades being in the neighborhoods to the point of petitioning the City Government to restrict them. Three arcades are mentioned besides Chuck-E-Cheese. Electronic Encounters in Southwood Mall, The Outer Limits amusements center at 1409 W. Oltorf, and Computer Madness, a "video game and foosball arcade" at 2414 S. Lamar Blvd.
Forgotten Arcade #8
Smitty's Galaxy of Games - Lake Creek Parkway
February 25, 1982

Arcades fighting negative image
Video games have swept across America, and Williamson and Travis counties have not been immune. In a two-part series, Neighbor examines the effects the coin-operated machines have had on suburban and small-town life.
Cities have outlawed them, religious leaders have denounced them and distraught mothers have lost countless children to their voracious appetites. And still they march on, stronger and more numerous than before. A new disease? Maybe. A wave of invading aliens from outer space? On occasion. A new type of addiction? Certainly. The culprit? Video games. Although the electronic game explosion has been mushrooming throughout the nation's urban areas for the past few years, its rippling effects have just recently been felt in the suburban fringes of North Austin and Williamson County.
In the past year, at least seven arcades armed with dozens of neon quarter-snatchers have sprung up to lure teens with thundering noises and thousands of flashing seek-and-destroy commands. Critics say arcades are dens of iniquity where children fall prey to the evils of gambling. But arcade owners say something entirely different. "Everybody fights them (arcades), they think they are a haven for drug addicts. It's just not true," said Larry Grant of Austin, who opened Eagle's Nest Fun and Games on North Austin Avenue in Georgetown last September. "These kids are great" Grant said the gameroom "gives teenagers a place to come. Some only play the games and some only talk.
In Georgetown, if you're from the high school, this is it." He said he's had very few disturbances, and asks "undesirables" to leave. "We've had a couple of rowdies. That's why I don't have any pool tables they tend to attract that type of crowd," Grant said.
Providing a place for teens to congregate was also the reason behind Ron and Carol Smith's decision to open Smitty's Galaxy of Games on Lake Creek Parkway at the entrance to Anderson Mill. "We have three teenage sons, and as soon as the oldest could drive, it became immediately apparent that there was no place to go around here," said Ron, an IBM employee who lives in Spicewood at Balcones. "This prompted us to want to open something." The business, which opened in August, has been a huge success with both parents and youngsters. "Hundreds of parents have come to check out our establishment before allowing their children to come, and what they see is a clean, safe environment managed by adults and parents," Ron said. "We've developed an outstanding rapport with the community." Video arcades "have a reputation that we have to fight," said Carol.
Kathy McCoy of Georgetown, who last October opened Krazy Korner on Willis Street in Leander, agrees. "We've got a real good group of kids," she said. "There's no violence, no nothing. Parents can always find their kids at Krazy Korner."
While all the arcade owners contacted reported that business is healthy, if not necessarily lucrative, it's not as easy for video entrepreneurs to turn a profit as one might imagine. A sizeable investment is required. Ron Smith paid between $2,800 and $5,000 for each of the 30 electronic diversions at his gameroom.
Grant said his average video game grosses about $50 a week, and his "absolute worst" game, Armor Attack, only $20 a week. The top machines (Defender and Pac-Man) can suck in an easy $125 a week. That's a lot of quarters, 500 to be exact but the Eagle's Nest and Krazy Korner pass half of them on to Neelley Vending Company of Austin which rents them their machines. "At 25 cents a shot, it takes an awful lot of people to pay the bills," said Tom Hatfield, district manager for Neelley.
He added that an owner's personality and the arcade's location can make or break the venture. The game parlor must be run "by an understanding person, someone with patience," Hatfield said. "They cannot be too demanding on the kids, yet they can't let them run all over them." And they must be located in a spot "with lots of foot traffic," such as a shopping center or near a good restaurant, he said. "And being close to a school really helps." "Video games are going to be here permanently, but we're going to see some operations not going because of the competition," which includes machines in virtually every convenience store and supermarket, Hatfield said.

This article talks about three arcades. One in Georgetown called Eagles Nest, another in Leander called Krazy Korner, and a third called Smitty's Galaxy of Games on Lake Creek Parkway "on the fringes of North Austin". This is the one I remember the older kids talking about when I was a little kid. There was once a movie theater across the street from the Westwood High School football stadium and behind that was Smitty's. Today I think the building was bulldozed long ago and the space is part of the expanded onramp to 183 today. Eventually another unrelated arcade was built next to the theater that became Alamo Lakeline. It was another site of some unrecorded epic Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat tournaments in the 90s.
But the article written before the end of the Golden Era tell us much about the pushback I was talking about earlier. Early arcades were seen as "dirty" places in some circles, and the owners of the arcades in Williamson County had to stress how "clean" their establishments were. This other article from a couple of weeks later tells of how area school officials weren't worried about video games and tells us more arcades in Round Rock and Cedar Park. Apparently the end of the golden age lasted a bit longer than usual in this area.
At some point in the next few years the bubble burst, and places like Smitty's were gone by the late 80s. But the distributors quoted earlier were right that arcade games weren't going completely away. In the mid 1980s LeFun opened up next in the Scientology building at 2200 Guadalupe on the drag. Down a few doors past what used be a coffee shop and a CVS was Einsteins Arcade. Both of those survived into the 21st century. I remember the last time I was at Einsteins I got my ass beat in Tekken by a kid half my age. heheh
That's all for today. There were no Bonus Pics in the UT archive of arcades (other than the classical architectural definition). I wanted to pass on some Bonus newspaper articles (remember to click and zoom in with the buttons on the right to read) about Austin arcades anyway but first a small story.
I mentioned earlier the secret of the UT Student Union. I have no idea what it looks like now but in the 90s there was a sizable arcade in with the bowling alley in the basement. Back in 1994 when I used to sneak in, they featured this bizarre early attempt at virtual reality games. I found an old Michael Barnes Statesman article about it dated February 11, 1994. Some highlights:

Hundreds of students and curiosity-seekers lined up at the University of Texas Union to play three to five minutes of Dactyl Nightmare, Flying Aces or V-Tol, three-dimensional games from Kramer Entertainment. Nasty weather delayed the unloading of four huge trunks containing the machines, which resemble low pulpits. Still, players waited intently for a chance to shoot down a fighter jet, operate a tilt-wing Harrier or tangle with a pterodactyl. Today, tickets will go on sale in the Texas Union lobby at 11:30 a.m. for playing slots between noon and 6 p.m.
Players, fitted with full helmets, throttles and power packs, stood on shiny gray and yellow platforms surrounded by a circular guard rail. Seen behind the helmet's goggles were computer simulated landscapes, not unlike the most sophisticated video games, with controls and enemies viewed in deep space. "You're on a platform waiting to fight a human figure," said Jeff Vaughn, 19, of Dactyl Nightmare. "A pterodactyl swoops down and tries to pick you up. You have to fight it off. You are in the space and can see your own body and all around you. But if you try to walk, you have to use that joy stick to get around."
"I let the pterodactyl carry me away so I could look down and scan the board," said Tom Bowen of the same game. "That was the way I found out where the other player was." "Yeah, it's cool just to stand there and not do anything," Vaughn said. The mostly young, mostly male crowd included the usual gaming fanatics, looking haggard and tense behind glasses and beards. A smattering of women and children also pressed forward in a line that snaked past the lobby and into the Union's retail shops.
"I don't know why more women don't play. Maybe because the games are so violent," said Jennifer Webb, 24, a psychology major whose poor eyesight kept her from becoming a fighter pilot in real life. "If the Air Force won't take me, virtual reality will." "They use stereo optics moving at something like 60 frames a second," said computer science major Alex Aquila, 19. "The images are still pretty blocky. But once you play it, you'll want to play it again and again." With such demand for virtual reality, some gamesters wondered why an Austin video arcade has not invested in at least one machine.

The gameplay looked like this.
Bonus Article #1 - "Video fans play for own reasons" (Malibu Grand Prix) - March 11, 1982
Bonus Article #2 - "Pac-Man Cartridge Piques Interest" - April 13, 1982
Bonus Article #3 - "Video Games Fail Consumer" - January 29, 1984
Bonus Article #4 - "Nintendoholics/Modems Unite" - January 25, 1989
Bonus Article #5 and pt 2 "Two girls missing for a night found at arcade" (truly dedicated young gamers) - August 7, 2003

My story is a long one and gets crazy and need to vent .. I appreciate whoever takes the time to read ... I'm currently 26 it all started about 5 years ago .. my wife ( fiance at the time ) took me to my first casino trip . I had never been .. were a lower class family have 4 kids and don't make much together but we get by , we went with our income tax check took half of it around 4k ... I found myself in a high roller room betting 50$ dollar spins on Vgt Slots and I hit my first jackpot for 12k ... It was amazing .. after taking my i.d and ss info signed a few paper work 10 minutes later they came and handed me a w-2 and 12 K ALL IN CASH ! Tbh it's the most cash I ever seen in my life and from that moment on I WAS HOOKED ... I took that money and kept playing ended up even winning more Jackpots around 30K in total when all was said and done that weekend ... Never had all this much money in my hands at once .. I had so much luck couldn't believe it .. I did nothing smart with the 30k , I ended up putting down a 15k down payment on a nice used chevy tahoe ( I COULD OF BOUGHT IT AND OWNED IT FOR 22K !) But I WANTED MORE MONEY TO GAMBLE ) I put down that huge down payment and got hit with huge interest and a high monthly payments for 4 years ( lost the truck 2 years latter due to only 2 missed payments ) the rest of the money I had I went back to the casino with chasing more Jackpots and lost it all !! Fast forward 5 years later I've won a total of around 150k in jackpots have never paid taxes on none of them ! Ive never filled taxes before all the jobs I have have been hard labor and under the table .. I worry about how much I owe in taxes but I still gamble to this day... Every year since that year we take half our income tax and go up there and bet on high roller slots 25 to 100$ dollar spins ! and end up loosing it all !.. my wife who is a waitress sometimes makes extra money on a lucky day and instead of saving a dollar it's all spent right at the casino ! I' have not a single thing to show for the 150k I've won ! And less then 10 dollars in my bank account currently , have overrdrafted my account so many times to go play slots .. sold a car of mine one time a older cadillac for 5k$ the only car I've ever actually owned and hadn't financed , sold it just to go gabmle and play slots because it was saints Patrick's day ! Went up there and lost the whole 5 k immediately within less then a hour ! It doesn't help that we live about an hour from Windstar and near by Oklahoma's major casinos .. I think my problem stems from always chasing that higher jackpot the life changing one that will never happen ... My highest to date is only 14k , but I've literally gotten off a machine one time after it drained me for 3k and watched another lady sit down and win 69k !! So I'm constaly chasing that .. it makes me feel sick tho when I think about what life would be like if I saved that money over the years I would maybe have 69k in my bank account ! I know I've giving well over that all too the slots ! And for the last 2 years the machines have been so tight and I can't win no matter how hard I try no matter how hard I play .. I just want this horrible disease out my life .. I have no family alive besides my beautiful children and my wife the problem is here whole family , mom , dad , sisters , brothers , ants , cousins , are all addicted to gambling , casinos , game Rooms , scratch off tickets as well ! .. just feel sick and disgusted with myself , all the money I've lost .. being 26 not having anything to my name , gambling has destroyed me .. I even got hooked on game Rooms in lower class neighborhoods and ended up homeless sleeping under a bridge days a time due strickly to a gambling addiction ! No drugs involved ! That's a whole nother story but I believe I overcame that only because I realized how crappy gas station and game room machine are after throwing hundreds and hundreds in you almost or barely every hit anything and can't never win nothing huge .. I use to throw whatever I had in my wallet hundreds at a time into any slot machine I'd see at a gas station and feel sick to my stomach when I lost it all then go back and chase it again ,! But thankfully it's been a year and I walk past game Rooms and gas station slots often and I don't even think about touching them knowing how tight and worthless they are and how they had me sleeping outside ... But the casino on the other hand is still a sincere problem ... Knowing the chance of winning huge jackpots having the ability to win huge jackpots .... Been with the same woman for 8 years and we have never once been on vacation any chance we get to be away from the kids and our idea of a get away or fun is a trip to casino ! This story is all over the place and I typed so much .. can't imagine anyone reading all this.. but feels good to vent .. I hope all is well..

Praise God. Jesus, who reigns, my Husband and Son of God, comes soon. USA(Babylon) will be invaded by Russia to the east and China to the west and will lose. NYC will be destroyed. Repent and focus on Jesus. Plead the blood of Jesus like so: "God cleanse and cover me in blood of Jesus" and believe in your heart. Rapture is soon and the kingdom of God is near, so be holy. Obama is the antichrist and will use the rfid chip as mark of the beast with the False Prophet named Francis from Catholicism. There will be three days of darkness so please prepare as that will be when Jesus shall visit people. There will be fallen angels and giants and zombies and cyborgs and werewolves and dinosaurs and persecution and many millions of deaths and disease like boils and tsunami to USA California and New Jersey and Florida and famine and fireball. Watch out for creatures with all black eyes with no white in them, it is demonic. Love you and everyone else God willing and God also loves everyone. Nuclear bombs shall strike. Canada and Europe and South America and asia shall also be affected with judgements. There are two genders: male and female in the Word. Do not mock or belittle Jesus. Place mind on heavenly things. Confess Jesus is Lord and God is Father. Call no man Father or Rabbi. Make Jerusalem above your mother. Time is short and Jesus is coming to collect a people without spot or blemish. If God lets you, gather food and water and supplies you need because water and foods will be affected. You can also ask God to protect you. Waters will turn to poison, The tribulation will be bad so enter rapture to escape. Do not love this life. EMP coming to USA.All lives matter not just black lives. If you suffer from depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, mood swings, anorexia, suicide thoughts, loneliness, or have a disease, seek Jesus. Jesus can cure any disease. Husbands are head of the wives, husbands love wives and wives obey husband. Aliens are demons dont trust them. Osas is not always true. There will be a locust army that will wage war on humanity. Believe in faith to receive in prayer or you will not receive, those who exalt themselves shall be humbled but those who humble themselves shall be exalted first shall be last but last shall be first, seek Jesus and pray without ceasing, Keep 10 commandments even Sabbath, bless and not curse, repent of all sin, do unto others what you would want them to do unto you, harp music with praises to Jesus is biblical, read bible daily, cleanliness, no yoga or yoga pants, dont get COVID vaccine, love God, love others, avoid homosexuality, sending nudity to strangers, vain talk, sinful gun violence, saying "kill yourself/fuc* you", calling June pride month and/or celebrating homosexuality, high heels, strife, sinful incest, guiding people into prostitution or lusting over nudity not married to you, Jehovah's Witness, witchcraft, sinful media like tv shows, unholy anime like death note and avatar last airbender and naruto and one piece and bleach, love of money, sex outside of biblical marriage, adultery, masturbation, porno/hentai, anal and oral sex and hand jobs, plastic surgery, football and idolizing football, merchants of the faith, addiction to facebook, sleeveless shirts and sinful shorts, sinful earrings and piercings, drunkenness, pride, smoking, gossip, lying,lacking faith, materialism, fictional books, dolls like dolls from Disney, no disney shows or movies, sinful movies like marvel, joking around, not loving God, unforgiveness, rap/music that doesn't glorify Jesus or God, cursing even parents, hate, suicide, videos games, trusting in self or humans over trusting in God and His Word, having any idol than Jesus, bikini and inappropriate clothing, sex with animals, arrogance, rebellion, Santa Claus, catholicism, 7th day adventist, lukewarmness, martial arts, freemasonry, energy drinks, skirts/dresses above the knee, tattoos, dying hair, star wars and the figures and movies and games, idolising sports and muscles and fitness and humans, abortion, islam, atheism, secularism, smoking cigarettes or marijuana or e cig, supporting or being a furry, orgies, swallowing semen, seeking the praises of men over God, burning government property sinfully, idolizing kpop stars or celebrities, hating God, dora the explora, cheating on your spouse with another person, bad thoughts like sexual thoughts and murdering thoughts, condoms, black goo, being rich in this life, loving this life, seeking popularity/ having favoritism/partiality,sex or lusting after animals or even children, racism, jehovah witness, mormonism, transgender, lies of evolution and big bang, flat earth, gambling, cheating or not paying on taxes when biblical required, mistreating orphans, bribes and taking bribes, leading at interest sinfully, murmuring, heresies, merciless, wrath, defamation, owing and being in debt, no affection, prosperity gospel, necromancy and mediums and astrology, hair extensions, God hates divorce, drinking human or animal blood, twilight book series, not helping the poor and needy and widows, not giving tithe (10% of income) and offerings, not being thankful to Jesus, not listening to parents, Halloween, 5g, avoid following other religion other than following Jesus Son of God. I am an unprofitable servant and least of everything by infinity. Best blessings to everyone every second forever by infinity God willing. Shalom aleichem.

"Couples on Surviving Trauma and Loss: Five partners whose love has endured seismic changes, from refugees forced apart by war to a couple left with horrific injuries"
The first two stories in the article are legit: a couple in a terrible car accident and a couple separated by the Sudanese civil war. Then things start going to hell and get worse and worse. All of the things that FDS warns against are here: codependency, gaslighting, lying, cheating, excuse-making, blame shifting, martyrdom. Women continue to be conditioned to accept sub-par treatment by these kinds of narratives. The ladies of FDS refuse to help relationships "survive trauma" that is LITERALLY CREATED BY THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND HIS SELFISH AND OVERALL TERRIBLE DECISIONS.

‘I was in prison for 2,192 days; she wrote to me almost daily’

Laure, 58, and Jerry, 62, survived his jail sentence for causing death by dangerous driving. They live in Alabama, and now run a support network for the families of prisoners.
Laure Jerry and I met in 1995 and married four months later. I tell him all the time I would marry him again, but faster. We’d both been married twice before and dating was the last thing I was looking for. But he ticked all the boxes.
I had two daughters and he had one. We moved our family from Tennessee to Alabama, to raise them in the country. We were living the dream. But on 17 March 2003, it was shattered when Jerry caused a head-on car collision which killed a young mother. He had been driving drunk.
I felt rage, betrayal. When we met, we were both recovering alcoholics, so I had only known him sober. Now a life had been lost. I didn’t want him dead, but I wanted him to hurt real bad. We lived in a small town, and I grieved for that family. I felt embarrassment. I had to get to the forgiveness part quickly so I could get through each day.
Jerry spent 10 days in the ICU. He pleaded guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to six years in prison and 19 on probation. I was scared – emotionally, practically, financially, spiritually. I wanted to stay married but didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you do when someone you love is in prison.

His first year home, we argued all the time. I’d put my hand on his shoulder and he’d push it away

I wrote to him almost every night. I could afford one dollar-a-minute phone call a week and petrol for the 100-mile drive to visit every two weeks. I felt a lot of anger in those first years. I remember burying the cat, crying, saying, “This is a dad job.” I tried to experience the girls’ graduations for both of us.
His first year home, we argued all the time. I’d put my hand on his shoulder and he’d push it away; he was still in survival mode.
We’re grandparents now and enjoy our family immensely. We run a support network for prisoner families, called Extended Family. I started it six months into his sentence.
Jerry will still say, “You stayed with me all those years,” but I don’t think of it that way. I’m not going to make him do the dishes for the rest of our lives. We spent six years without each other; we don’t want to spend another minute apart.
Jerry On our first date, I took Laure and her daughters to see Cinderella at the theatre. When I got home, I wrote “She’s the one” on the back of the programme.
We had a good life. I had a small engineering business, work grew busy, and we moved cities. But I was in a mess. I got into narcotics but hid it from my family. The night of the accident, I had stopped at a liquor store. I was in a blackout. Moments later, a young woman was dead and I was airlifted to hospital. I was shocked, remorseful, disheartened.
My wife has a big and kind heart. I tried to protect her from the police investigation and the likelihood of prison. I didn’t want our girls walking around with the stigma of a dad who had killed someone.
In Alabama, incarceration is uncontested grounds for divorce, but there was never a question of Laure leaving me. On an early prison visit, I told her I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to leave. She looked at me and said, “I’d be more miserable than I am now.” I’ll never forget it.
I was in prison for 2,192 days and she wrote to me almost daily. There were guys that got nothing. I felt blessed and honoured. She would arrive every two weeks and I would put on a smile. But I pitied myself; I felt useless, unable to provide for my family.
When I came home, I was harsher than before. Meanwhile, this woman I loved had blossomed. I had to adjust. There’s a not a day that I don’t pay for my disastrous decision in some way, shape or form. We worked through the mess I made together, and we’re closer because of it.

‘It was a form of gaslighting. He led a double life’

Keith, 59, and Claire, 57, survived his gambling addiction. They live in Sussex.
Keith Claire and I had known each other in the 80s, and reconnected online 20 years later. Claire was living abroad, and I was on my way to broke. She’d make short trips to the UK, and we’d laugh through days out and long lunches. She was intelligent, full of life; a better person than I was.
I first entered a casino at 16. By 18, I’d borrowed, conned and stolen from everyone I knew. I was an addict. Through adulthood, I’d made and lost small fortunes and entire businesses. I’d play Monopoly for real money, or sit in a room of the club I owned, drinking brandy, snorting as much cocaine as I could.
I wasn’t a constant drug user or gambler. When Claire visited, I’d try to keep it together; but then I’d get desperate and make excuses to go to London for “work”. When she moved to the UK with her three kids in 2009, I’d disappear into a room of the home we shared for days, in a heady state of gambling, drugs and porn, too embarrassed to re-emerge. I had intermittent spells in Gambling Anonymous, but I found it hard to ask for help.
Claire paid for the house and put food on the table. I never stole from her, but I’m still surprised she didn’t walk out. By 2014, I’d had a heart attack and was nursing my mother, who had cancer. I would drive her to the hospital every day, off my tits, bring her home, make her food, then shut myself in another room and gamble online.
I couldn’t see myself in the mirror any more. I wanted to die. On 28 June 2014, I logged on to a website for people seeking affairs and used it for porn. That decision would almost end us: when Claire discovered the website in her search history, she sent me a Dear John letter. The next day, she drove me to residential rehab. The only rule I broke there was asking her to spend one night. I had to save the relationship.
I’ve been clean for six years now; Claire is part of the reason why. People talk about languages of love. For me those are quality time, acts of service. Boy, were there acts of kindness and service from Claire. Without her, I could well be dead.
Claire I was 18, and a poor student, when I first met Keith. He seemed glamorous, exciting, funny, intelligent. He was also a known gambler, but when we reconnected years later, that appeared to be in his past. Yet, with hindsight, nothing about the start of our relationship makes sense.
When I visited, he’d urgently have work or disappear into a room for days at a time. I’d spend hours on edge, struggling to trust him, but he would rationalise his behaviour, omitting huge details, claiming he’d simply drunk too much. It was a form of gaslighting. He led a double life.

When Keith decided on residential rehab, I knew that if I didn’t support him, there was no future

The first time I confronted him, I’d found an empty drugs packet, but he lied his way out of it. I became scared to ask, although we both knew he needed help. When his mother was unwell, he had the perfect alibi. He was an addict but he was responsible – and he took exquisite care of her. I was fearful but I had to get on with life.
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When Keith decided on residential rehab, I knew that if I didn’t support him, there was no future. I didn’t want significant time apart, but when an addict is serious about making changes, you have to put your own needs aside.
The most soul-destroying moment came when I found the affairs website. I had been betrayed by gambling and drugs, but my belief in the purity of our love had kept me going. I wrote to him saying it was over. From rehab, Keith proved to me it was only curiosity (there was no activity on his account), and I was open enough to reconciliation to visit him.
Emotionally, we’re more independent now, although we share bank accounts and he supports us financially. I’ve grown, too. I used to tell friends that Keith felt like an addiction to me. I’d waited years for a stable home life together: eventually, he walked the most difficult path in order to truly change.

‘Friends saw us as the perfect couple, but it was a lie’

Maryam, 31, and Amir, 33, survived his affair. They live in California.
Maryam When Amir had an affair, I had a thousand reasons to leave but looked for the one to stay. Our relationship had started as an affair, too. We had been couple-friends in our previous marriages and used to hang out as a group of four. Then, in February 2017, Amir and his wife broke up and he came on a trip with my husband and me. One night, we were up late, talking, while my husband slept. Amir opened up about his marriage and I began to sense he had feelings for me. I had relationship problems, too, and we started an affair. I ended my marriage.
Over the next 18 months, friends came to see us as the perfect couple. They would comment on how loving our relationship was. But I couldn’t forgive myself for how we’d started, and his divorce was a mess. He spent nights with his ex. I broke up with him several times. Things looked great on the surface but we both carried unresolved pain.
By the end of 2019, I became suspicious of his relationship with a co-worker. She was too intimate at the Christmas party and he was jumpy when she called. Then I found a credit card charge to a cafe, clearly for two people.

I loved him deep down but anger overwhelmed me. He asked over and over for a chance to prove he could change

It took me 10 days to get the full details from him. It had been going on for months and they’d slept together six times. I couldn’t breathe; I felt stupid. Everything that had gone before felt like a lie. I left him.
Amir telephoned non-stop and showed up at my parents’. I loved him deep down but anger overwhelmed me. He asked over and over for a chance to prove he could change. Eventually, I agreed to give him three months. We started individual and couples’ therapy and talked through every detail of our relationship. I couldn’t bear to sleep in the same room as him, but I could look at his face again. I agreed to more time.
I see the consistency and changes Amir has made, his commitment. When I discovered his affair, I was ready to give up on our relationship, but we have both grown. No one knows what the future holds and I have my fears. But, right now, I love the way he loves me.
Amir Maryam was the first time in my life I felt real love. But we were both married and I told myself it couldn’t happen.
As time passed, my ex-wife had an affair and my marriage died. Maryam had problems, too, and I made my feelings known. I admired her looks, the way she thinks. This wasn’t a game that I’d started; it was coming from the bottom of my heart.
I was born in the Middle East, in a war zone. As a child, I experienced sexual and physical abuse at the hands of my teacher, but told no one. The human psyche finds soothing mechanisms to alleviate pain. For me, that was sex.
I was in the most loving relationship with Maryam. The sex was amazing. We bought a house, enjoyed travelling. But the foundations were shaky and I unconsciously sought more.
When I got close to a co-worker, it turned into an affair, starting in May 2019 and lasting several months. It was pure sexual desire. This wasn’t someone I wanted to change the course of my life. We were opportunistic and, in those moments, I became blind to the consequences.
When Maryam found out, I tried to lie. I was naive about how much I was going to hurt her. She wanted nothing to do with me. She blocked my calls and texts, and told our family and friends all the details. Everyone who loved me looked at me as a monster. For the first time in my life, I started to wake up.
I made fixing myself and our relationship my only priority. I promised Maryam she would see a change, and started intense therapy, twice a week. I addressed my childhood trauma and sought support for sex addiction. I realised how much I was willing to do for Maryam.
At the beginning, it was simply about keeping Maryam; but it transformed into strengthening our bond. She has made sacrifices for me, been my guide and love. Every day, I’m more appreciative.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/30/couples-on-surviving-trauma-and-loss

My story is a long one and gets crazy and need to vent .. I appreciate whoever takes the time to read ... I'm currently 26 it all started about 5 years ago .. my wife ( fiance at the time ) took me to my first casino trip . I had never been .. were a lower class family have 4 kids and don't make much together but we get by , we went with our income tax check took half of it around 4k ... I found myself in a high roller room betting 50$ dollar spins on Vgt Slots and I hit my first jackpot for 12k ... It was amazing .. after taking my i.d and ss info signed a few paper work 10 minutes later they came and handed me a w-2 and 12 K ALL IN CASH ! Tbh it's the most cash I ever seen in my life and from that moment on I WAS HOOKED ... I took that money and kept playing ended up even winning more Jackpots around 30K in total when all was said and done that weekend ... Never had all this much money in my hands at once .. I had so much luck couldn't believe it .. I did nothing smart with the 30k , I ended up putting down a 15k down payment on a nice used chevy tahoe ( I COULD OF BOUGHT IT AND OWNED IT FOR 22K !) But I WANTED MORE MONEY TO GAMBLE ) I put down that huge down payment and got hit with huge interest and a high monthly payments for 4 years ( lost the truck 2 years latter due to only 2 missed payments ) the rest of the money I had I went back to the casino with chasing more Jackpots and lost it all !! Fast forward 5 years later I've won a total of around 150k in jackpots have never paid taxes on none of them ! Ive never filled taxes before all the jobs I have have been hard labor and under the table .. I worry about how much I owe in taxes but I still gamble to this day... Every year since that year we take half our income tax and go up there and bet on high roller slots 25 to 100$ dollar spins ! and end up loosing it all !.. my wife who is a waitress sometimes makes extra money on a lucky day and instead of saving a dollar it's all spent right at the casino ! I' have not a single thing to show for the 150k I've won ! And less then 10 dollars in my bank account currently , have overrdrafted my account so many times to go play slots .. sold a car of mine one time a older cadillac for 5k$ the only car I've ever actually owned and hadn't financed , sold it just to go gabmle and play slots because it was saints Patrick's day ! Went up there and lost the whole 5 k immediately within less then a hour ! It doesn't help that we live about an hour from Windstar and near by Oklahoma's major casinos .. I think my problem stems from always chasing that higher jackpot the life changing one that will never happen ... My highest to date is only 14k , but I've literally gotten off a machine one time after it drained me for 3k and watched another lady sit down and win 69k !! So I'm constaly chasing that .. it makes me feel sick tho when I think about what life would be like if I saved that money over the years I would maybe have 69k in my bank account ! I know I've giving well over that all too the slots ! And for the last 2 years the machines have been so tight and I can't win no matter how hard I try no matter how hard I play .. I just want this horrible disease out my life .. I have no family alive besides my beautiful children and my wife the problem is here whole family , mom , dad , sisters , brothers , ants , cousins , are all addicted to gambling , casinos , game Rooms , scratch off tickets as well ! .. just feel sick and disgusted with myself , all the money I've lost .. being 26 not having anything to my name , gambling has destroyed me .. I even got hooked on game Rooms in lower class neighborhoods and ended up homeless sleeping under a bridge days a time due strickly to a gambling addiction ! No drugs involved ! That's a whole nother story but I believe I overcame that only because I realized how crappy gas station and game room machine are after throwing hundreds and hundreds in you almost or barely every hit anything and can't never win nothing huge .. I use to throw whatever I had in my wallet hundreds at a time into any slot machine I'd see at a gas station and feel sick to my stomach when I lost it all then go back and chase it again ,! But thankfully it's been a year and I walk past game Rooms and gas station slots often and I don't even think about touching them knowing how tight and worthless they are and how they had me sleeping outside ... But the casino on the other hand is still a sincere problem ... Knowing the chance of winning huge jackpots having the ability to win huge jackpots .... Been with the same woman for 8 years and we have never once been on vacation any chance we get to be away from the kids and our idea of a get away or fun is a trip to casino ! This story is all over the place and I typed so much .. can't imagine anyone reading all this.. but feels good to vent .. I hope all is well

mods please lmk if this violates the rules. i’m posting here because I write about the mob/casino and many relevant themes that are important elements of the Sopranos, in my opinion. I think they’re of the same medium and genre so wanted to post here. Hope that’s alright. Cheers! (11 min read) ————————————————————————
EDIT 2: TL;DR -
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.
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Every good filmmaker makes the same movie over and over again—Martin Scorsese is no different
Scorsese's Casino is a phenomenal story of the condoned chaos and "legalized robbery" that happens on a daily basis to gamblers who bett away thousands of dollars and return each day for more “FinDom,” but without any of the sexual sadism. The whole scam only persists because the house always wins: the odds are stacked 3 million to one on the slot machines, but the same shmucks return wide-eyed each day hoping for a different outcome, devoid of any rational re-evaluation required to maintain their grasp on reality, and the liquidity of their bank accounts.
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.
Robert De Niro plays Sam "Ace" Rothstein, recruited by his childhood friend Nick "Nicky" Santorno to help run the Tangiers casino, which is funded by an investment made with the Teamsters’ pension fund. Ace’s job is to keep the bottom line flowing so that the Mafia's skimming operation can continue seamlessly. De Niro's character felt like half-way between Travis from Taxi Driver (of course, nowhere as mentally disturbed) and half of the addictive excess, greed, and eccentric business-mind of Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Ace’s attention to detail gives him a rain-man-esque sensibility; his ability to see every scam, trick, hand signal, and maneuver happening on the casino floor make him the perfect manager of the casino, and take his managerial style to authoritarian heights in his pursuit of order and control over what is an inherently unstable and dynamic scheme; betting, hedging outcomes, and walking the line to keep the money flowing and the gamblers coming back. I’m not claiming Ace is autistic, I'm no clinician, but his managerial sensibilities over the daily operations of the casino, from the dealers to the pit bosses, to the shift managers, are to the point of disturbing precision, he has eyes everywhere, and knows how to remove belligerent customers with class and professionalism, but ultimately is short sighted in “reading” the human beings he is in relationship with. Ace is frustratingly naive and gullible in his partnership with Nicky and the threat he poses to him, and in his marriage with Ginger.
Ace has no personal aspirations to extract millions of dollars for himself out of the casino corruption venture. Ace simply wants the casino to operate as efficiently as possible, and he has no qualms about being a pawn of the bosses. While Sam, “the Golden Jew”—as he is called—is the real CEO of the whole enterprise, directing things at Tangiers for the benefit of the bosses “back home.” Ace’s compliance is juxtaposed with Nicky’s outrage upon feeling used: he gripes about how he is in “the trenches” while the bosses sit back and do nothing. Note that none of the activity Nicky engages in outside of the casino—doing the work of “taking Las Vegas over”—is authorized by the bosses. Ultimately Nicky’s inability to exert control over his crew and the street lead to his demise.
In the end, capitalism, and all that happens in the confines of the casino, is nothing but “organized violence.” Sound familiar? The mob has a capitalist structure in its organization and hierarchy: muscle men collect and send money back to the bosses who do not labor tirelessly “in the trenches.” The labor of the collectors is exploited to create the profits of their bosses. The entire business-model of the Mafia is predicated on usury and debtors defaulting on loans for which the repayment is only guaranteed by the threat of violence. But this dynamic is not without its internal contradictions and tensions, as seen in Casino.
In a comedic turn, the skimmers get skimmed! The bosses begin to notice the thinning of the envelopes and lighter and lighter suitcases being brought from the casino to Kansas City, “back home”. The situation continues to spin out of control, but a mid-tier mafioso articulates the careful balance required for the skimming operation to carry on: to keep the skimming operation functioning, the skimmers need to be kept loyal and happy. It’s a price the bosses have to pay to maintain the operation, “leakage” in their terms. Ace’s efficient management and precision in maintaining order within Tangiers is crucial for the money to keep flowing. But Ace’s control over the casino slips more and more as the movie progresses. We see this as the direct result of Nicky’s ascendance as mob kingpin in Vegas, the chaos he creates cannot be contained and disrupts the profits and delicate dynamics that keep the scam running.
Of course I can’t help myself here! We should view Scorsese’s discography, and the many portrayals of capitalist excess not as celebratory fetishization, but a critique of the greed and violence he so masterfully captures on film. See the Wolf of Wall Street for its tale of money as the most dangerous drug of them all, and the alienation—social and political—showcased in Taxi Driver. Scorsese uses the mob as a foil to the casino to attack the supposed monopoly the casino holds on legitimate, legal economic activity that rests on institutionalized theft. When juxtaposed with the logic of organized crime, we begin to see that the two—Ace and Nick—are not so different after all.
The only dividing line between the casino and organized crime is the law. Vegas is a lawless town yes, “the Wild West” as Nicky puts it, but there are laws in Vegas. The corruption of the political establishment and ruling elites is demonstrated when they pressure Ace to re-hire an incompetent employee who he fired for his complicity in a cheating scam or his stupidity in letting the slot machines get rigged; nepotism breeds mediocrity. In the end, Ace’s fall is the result of the rent-seeking behavior that the Vegas ruling class wields to influence the gaming board to not even permit Ace a fair hearing for his gaming license, which would’ve given him the lawful authority to officially run Tangiers. The elites use the political apparatus of the State to resist the new gang in town, the warring faction of mob-affiliated casino capitalists. While the mob’s only weapon to employ is that of violence. The mafia is still subservient to the powers that be within the political and economic establishment of Vegas, and they’re told “this is not your town.”
I’d like to make the most salient claim of this entire review now. Casino is a western film. The frontier of the Wild West is Vegas in this case, where the disorder of the mob wreaks havoc on, an until then, an “untapped market.” The investment scheme that the Teamsters pension fund is exploited for as seed capital, is an attempt to remain in the confines of the law while extracting as much value as possible through illegal and corrupt means for the capitalist class of the mob (and the ultimately dispensable union president). Tangiers exists in the liminal space of condoned economic activity as a legal and otherwise standard casino. While the violence required to maintain the operation, corrupts the legal legitimacy it never fully enjoyed from the beginning. This mirrors the bounty economy of the West and the out-sourcing of the law and the execution of the law, to bounty hunters. There is no real authority out in the frontier, the killer outlaw on the run is not so different from the bounty hunter who enjoys his livelihood by hunting down the killers. Yet, he himself is not the State. The wide-lens frame of Ace and Nicky meeting in the desert felt like a direct homage to the iconic image of the Western standoff. The conflict between Ace and Nick, the enforcer and the mastermind, is an approximation of the conflicts we might see in John Wayne’s films. The casino venture itself could be seen as an analogy of the frontier-venturism of railroad pioneers going to lay track to develop the West into a more industrial region.
I would have believed that this was a documentary about how the mob took over control of the Vegas casinos in the 1970-80s … if it were not for the viewer being expected to believe that Robert De Niro could play a Jew; it's hard to believe a man with that accent and the roles he’s played his entire career could be a “CRAZY JEW FUCK!!” I kid! But alas, De Niro is a class act and the last of the many greats of a bygone era. At times, it felt like Joe Pesci lacked talent as an actor, but his portrayal of the scummy, backstabbing bastard in Nicky was genuinely remarkable, but I might consider his performance the weak point of the movie. It’s weird to see a man that short, be that much of physical menace. There are a number of Sopranos actors in Casino. I’m sure Vincent Chase watched the movie and said to himself, “bet, i’ll cast half of these guys.”The set design and costumes were gorgeous. The styles and fashion of the time were spectacular. Scorsese’s signature gratuitous violence featured prominently, but tastefully. The camera work, tracking shots through the casino and spatial movement was incredible and I thought the cinematography was outstanding, the Western-esque wide lens in the desert was worthy of being a framed still.
The Nicky//Ace dynamic is excellent and the two play off of each other well. The conflict between the two of them escalates gradually, and then Nicky’s betrayal of Ace by cheating with Ginger marks the final break between the two of them. Nicky’s mob faculties represent a brutal, violent theft that is illegal and requires the enforcement of violence by organized crime. Despite the illegal embezzlement and corruption at play with the “skimming” operation at work at the casino, the general business model of the casino stands in contrast to the obscene violence of the loan sharks. Ace operates an intelligent operation of theft through the casino, and his hands-on management approach is instrumental to the success of the casino. Nicky’s chaos pervades the casino, and the life and activities of “the street” begin to bleed into Ace’s ability to maintain order in the casino. “Connected” types begin frequenting the casino, and Ace unknowingly forces one particularly rude gambler to leave the casino, who happens to have mob ties with Nicky. The “organized violence” of the casino cannot stay intact perfectly, because the very thing holding it together is the presence of the mob. Nicky is in Vegas as the enforcer and tasked with protecting Ace but his independent, entrepreneurial (shall we call them?) aspirations lead him to attempt to overtake what he realizes is a frontier for organized crime to brutalize and exploit the characters of “the street” (pimps, players, addicts, dealers, and prostitutes) and the owners of small private businesses.
Nicky is reckless, “when i plant my flag out here you won’t need your [casino/gaming] license” Nicky thinks he, and Ace, can bypass the regulations and bureaucratic legal measures by sheer force of violence alone. But ultimately Nicky is shortsighted and doesn’t have a real attachment to the success of the casino. After all, he isn’t getting profits from it (or much anyway) and isn’t permitted to play a real, active role in its daily functions because of his belligerent, untamed personality. Nicky has no buy-in that would motivate him to follow the rules or to work within the legal parts of the economy, it’s not the game he knows how to play, and win. All that he is loyal to, or deferent too, is the bosses back home; for whom he maintains absolute, uncompromising loyalty to, but still holds intense spite for.
And now to the more compelling element of the narrative. Sam “Ace” Rothstein is positioned as remarkably intelligent, he makes informed decisions that aid in his skill as a gambler, he can read people to determine whether he’s being conned, he has an attention to detail—aided by the casino’s surveillance apparatus which monitors cheating—that is almost unbelievable. Ace knows when he’s being cheated, he knows how to rig the game so that the house always wins, enacting psychological warfare to break down the confidence of would be proficient gamblers, who could threaten Tangiers’ bottom line. But in the end, the greatest gamble Ace makes is his marriage to Ginger. Ginger is the seductive, charismatic, and flirtatious madame who makes her money with tricks and her sexual power. Ginger works as a prostitute, seducing men, and extracting everything she can, almost as a sort of sexual-financial vampirism.
Ginger is the bad bet Ace can’t stop making even when she destroys his life, her own, and puts their daughter Amy in harm’s way. Ginger is the gamble Ace made wrong, but he keeps going back to her every time, trying to rationalize how she might change and be different the next time. Ace is not a victim to Ginger’s antics. Ginger makes it clear who she is: an addict, alcoholic, manic shopaholic who will use all of her powers to extract everything she can from everyone around her. She uses everyone to her advantage and manipulates men with her sexual power in exchange for their money and protection. Ginger had a price for her hand in marriage: $1 million in cash and $1 million worth of jewelry that are left to her and her alone as a sort of emergency fund.
Ace’s numerous attempts to buy Ginger’s love—and the clear fact that no matter how expensive the fur coat and how grand the mansion, none of it would ever be enough to satisfy her—mirrored Jordan Belfort’s relationship with Naomi in The Wolf of Wall Street. Both relationships carried the same manic volatility and conflict over child custody was found in both films, with the roles reversed in the respective films. Ginger may be irredeemable and a pathological liar, but Ace can’t claim that she wasn’t clear with him; when he asked her to marry him, Ginger said she didn’t love Ace. Ace replied that love could be “developed” but required a foundation of trust to develop. That trust was never there to begin with. The love was doomed from the start to destroy the two of them; two addicts, two gamblers, lying on a daily basis to one another and themselves about reality to justify their respective existences, the marriage, and Ace’s livelihood. And as Ginger pointed out, “I should have never married him. He’s a gemini, a triple gemini … a snake” Maybe astrology has some truth to it after all.
Now I’m not licensed (but hey neither was Ace, and he ran a casino empire!), but Ginger has the inklings of a borderline personality: her manic depression, narcissism, drug and alcohol abuse, and constant begging for forgiveness all seem indications of a larger psychological disorder at play. In the end, Ginger runs away with all the money Ace left her and finds her people in Los Angeles, the pimps, whores, and addicts she fits in with, in turn exploit and kill her for 3 grand in mint coins by giving her a ‘hot’ dose.
Overall, Casino is an incredible cinematic experience. I highly recommend watching this and seeing it as part of Scorsese's anthology of commentary on our economic system and its human victims. I’d argue that Casino, Wolf of Wall Street, and The Irishman all fit together nicely into a trilogy of the Scorsesean history of finance and corruption from the 70s to the 90s.
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EDIT 2: TL;DR —
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.

Disclaimer:
Before we begin, let's establish some boundaries: I'm not able to speak for every person with AGP. I haven't been conducting in-depth studies for years on thousands of patients. All I can tell you is my story, and my observations in my life. I've been commenting on others' posts with little tidbits and excerpts from my life and my stances, but I've now received several private messages asking for more info - one person in particular asked for me to write out my "full story" more or less...so perhaps this is more effective, to have it all in one place.
There are many examples of "successful" trans stories, and tragic tales of de-transitioning, yet we don't see or hear much about AGP men leading a happy, successful life into middle-to-old age...which I think is mostly self-evident: if you happily manage it, you aren't likely to want to bring up old memories again in some reddit post. However, after so many years of not having anyone to understand me, I am enjoying wading in these waters, and absolutely feel it as my duty to share my story of success.
One more time for emphasis: AGP seems to affect people very similarly in some ways, and very different in others. Someone who was molested is likely to have a harsher trauma than someone who was told they looked like a girl one time - but it's actually not certain. We have SUCH limited data and awareness as a society on this thing, that it's almost all anecdotal other than a handful of doctors/authors. And while I write this to give hope to many, I understand that an 18 year old who already knows they have AGP has a way better chance of breaking habits as opposed to a 48 year old who's been indulging them since puberty. That said, perhaps the 48 year old has more willpower than the 18 year old! Point being, my story will explain what's worked for me. Perhaps it could work for you as well, or perhaps you actually want to feed into the AGP.
This got very long. I've divided it up into 3 parts:

1. Early life + teen years. This is the longest due to the importance of formative years + the relevance to a lot of young guys reading this. Writing about these parts was like looking into a different world, so guys, please have patience with your developing mind.
2. College years up until discovering "AGP" as a concept at 27. This is the shortest section, due to its relatively static nature.
3. 27 "the year of destiny"-present. This is also long because I begin with my discovery of AGP, and I've ended it off with my advice on how to achieve similar results with success. I'd recommend scrolling to the end if you're of limited attention span and just want some jot-points...but knowing AGP, I think you'll all read it just fine.

PART 1
Potential origins:
I didn't have a terrifying upbringing or a terrible family, but there were flaws. My father was a hard-ass about "manning up" which I actually think has a place, but he didn't balance that with expressing love as much as he could have. But I believe the major point of origin was when my sister and I (she's 2 years younger) would get in an argument or potentially minor physical clash, she would screech and my dad would come running in and give me a smack. No beatings, but it was evident to young me (I believe this happened from the range of 6-10 years old) that boys were at more physical risk than girls.
It was never explained (if it was, it wasn't done well because I don't remember it) about the biological differences between boys and girls as they get older, which at least would have made more sense. However, it was still a bad scene since my sister figured out the game and would fake-scream just to get me in trouble sometimes. I am sure this could have contributed to the AGP, as my brain may have imprinted from a base, primitive, survival level that being a girl is safer - ironically it's clear now that women are much more physically vulnerable, but once the imprint establishes itself, it's in.
My father was the bad cop, my mom the good cop, he was working a lot - which I'm grateful for - but he wasn't as involved as he could have been in hindsight. They eventually split up when I was 10, about a year before puberty...so yeah, I'm sure all of this has some accumulative effect.
During this pre-pubescent time, I was entirely hetero on the surface, although I can vividly recall a dream or two where I was a girl against my will - telling that I recall them. One was where I ran out the front door and if I didn't go back in, I'd become a girl. Another one I was sitting at a dinner table and I just was a girl - this one was actually more uncomfortably weird, due to me just being a girl in it doing normal things, but knowing I wasn't in real life.
Anyway, those dreams are not to be ignored, but I had the standard crushes on girls and had multiple "girlfriends" even at age 10. Played some sports but wasn't super interested in them at this point, although I liked video games and competition. I've always been emotionally intelligent, but other than that I had no typical feminine interests or desire for their clothing/bodies. Girls, to me, were mostly just boring people who didn't get rough and play sports with us guys.
I don't recall any conscious AGP feelings until puberty, where the imprint barged in through my mind's walls KOOL-AID MAN STYLE.
First signs of AGP
Safe to say, from here on out it's NSFW, but I'll try to keep it as classy as possible while still being informative.
Had it ever since first masturbation. It was to a picture of Angelina Jolie on a video game magazine dressed as Tomb Raider; I was very fixated on the tight shorts and imagined myself as her, and after that I'd often imagine myself as a woman in sex with a "shadow" man. I had never watched porn at this point, although I had seen sex scenes in movies which gave me the visual fuel.
I was the typical teen boy in that I was jacking off MULTIPLE TIMES every day, but I was atypical in that it was always AGP. I didn't have regular access to the internet until I was 14 or so, and even then I was never really into porn. All I needed was imagery if I wanted external stimulation; looking at a picture of a naked woman and imagining I had her body. My imagination game is very strong.
I remember first hearing about "transsexuals" or "sex changes" through TV shows/movies, and would get strangely curious about it. I remember reading into it at some point, and being immensely turned on the whole time. I went to a school with uniforms and would look at girls all day, and often I'd get jealous when they'd wear tight pants. Much more tamely, I'd often play little weird games in my head like when playing games I'd think to myself "if you hit that target on this shot, you get to become a hot girl".
So...YEAH it was pretty strong. It's also important to mention that I went through many changes during one year, around 11 years old: puberty, parents separating (only saw father every 2nd weekend), went to a different school...so it was a lot of change at once, and it's hard to say how much each contributed to what.
Social struggles, search for teen identity
All I know is I was significantly less socially successful from 4th grade to 5th, by a longshot. I was still playing sports and doing well at all that, but I just never really had that drive or knowhow to interact with girls. I was a good looking athlete so I was a little confused at all this; although I was also very late to the internet game as I mentioned - a lot of social bonding was happening over "MSN messenger, the equivalent to "AOL messenger" or the current facebook messenger. I was missing out on a lot of interaction there, so once again, hard to pinpoint how much was the AGP's fault, but I doubt it helped.
From 11-16 I didn't really know how to socialize effectively, although I was starting to get girlfriends slowly but surely in high school (14-16). And then my father passed away from cancer! Certainly not ideal.
Around 16 I found a group of stoner males that taught me a bit of the "party scene", although they had a parallel group of females that I actually started hanging out with more. This was probably the most effeminate path I'd taken in life to this point, but the guys were very aggressive and harsh, and I was so much more emotionally sensitive. I will never forget one night these girls tried convincing me "come on, just admit it, you ARE a girl! it's fine, you're just one of us..." uhh COME ON GOD WHAT THE HECK. That scene is instilled in my head to this day as an AGP-dysphoric memory.
All this time, I was indulging in AGP masturbation fantasies, but I also had strong hetero competition - I had romantic girlfriends, and even in that female group of friends I actually would have liked to have hooked up with some of them. I really just lacked the ability to be forthright and bold and masculine in my advances; all of the girlfriends I had, had advanced on me first. I will admit I have very good looks...without them, I would have likely been incel...UNTIL:
ALCOHOL HELPED WITH HETEROSEXUAL ENCOUNTERS
Around 17-18 years old I merged back in with the male group, and started drinking at gatherings/parties more often. Turns out this was GREAT for making me analyze less, being more forthright and brash, etc. Sure, I also behaved as a buffoon, but I guess in hindsight it did get me feeling stronger about my masculine side. Really not good advice, as I did engage in the typical "college weekend alcoholic" for years, something I didn't fully escape until about 27.
BACK TO PRODUCTIVE INSIGHT/ADVICE: cross-dressing phase
So yes, I clearly had textbook AGP, but it didn't terribly impact my life for a while - I imagine being purely hetero during puberty would have me jacking off just as often, and being just as distracted. Testosterone is a heckuva drug. But there was some escalation eventually. I believe the first time I cross-dressed in private was around 14-15...this gave me TREMENDOUS AGP excitement, but I felt a ton of shame and the level of arousal was a little scary. If I had to guess, I'd say I did it only once or twice every year, until somewhere in my later teens, perhaps 16-18. It's hard to pinpoint, but I do know that at some point I started CDing (always to intense ejaculation) more and more, and one week in particular I was doing it every day. I began shakily/anxiously trying to put on makeup, and even *NSFW* putting a lubed-up pen up my butt a little bit. Writing that out feels weird, but hey, them's the facts.
Thankfully, one day that week, someone came home - I believe it was my sister. I was fully dressed up + makeup, and my heart was pounding. Luckily I was in the bathroom, so I SOMEHOW MANAGED to have a shower and return all the clothing without anyone ever noticing. But I'm pretty sure that was the last time I ever CD'd...and I haven't looked back in that time. It was very clearly the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my entire life, and in the span of one week it was already escalating tremendously.
First big dysphoria
Let's talk about my thoughts during these times. As this CD phase escalated, dysphoria became extremely present. I remember getting hard to thoughts of myself as a woman, looking at my cock, and thinking "well, I see you're happy, but you're going to be cut up into a vagina someday if we keep doing this. Hope you're happy, bro".
I am somewhat of a manlet, with light features, and small hands/feet/bone structure, which only confused me further. I thought often and thoroughly about how it seemed I was basically meant to be a woman, and how there was no escaping. This level of obsessive thought-loop has appeared several times in my life, but thankfully not consistently or for too long. Every time I was in the deepest depths of this dysphoric mindset, I always felt my worst. The more I tried embracing my "inner woman", the more incredibly anxious, depressed, shaky, weak I'd feel...it became clear to me that I do not want to feel those things, and I had a lot to be grateful for in my male life. If this happened the more I accepted being a woman, then why would I surrender and feel that way all the time?!
As I strayed away from the CDing, the dysphoria dissipated considerably.
ONE MORE TIME
I have basically never felt intense anxiety or depression as an adult male. I always feel intense anxiety or depression when I have fed the AGP to the point it grows to dysphoria.
This should be a major emphasis for anyone out there who's still reading and resonates with my story. We are always told to listen to our body in terms of health, so why should this be any different? Yes, sure, if you get depressed NOT giving into your AGP, then sure, try indulging. But for me, one week of crossdressing seriously impacted my stimulus-sensitive mind, and could have altered my life completely had I not stopped then and there.
By the way, I didn't pop a pill, it wasn't easy...but I did it. I'm not a superhero. If you recognize that a drug addiction is bad for you, it's not going to be easy to quit...but you can do it.
PART 2
Alpha Chad Frat Boy + First "Coming Out"
Welcome to part 2, and I hope you enjoy the ironic title of the next stage. I'm going to try to be as concise as I can, as part 1 was very long - but the formative years are incredibly important, especially considering many young men will be reading this and still living in those years. This next period basically covers my late teens/mid 20s.
It's important to remember I still didn't even know what AGP was at this point. Huge disadvantage. I had figured I was maybe "half trans" or something, but couldn't figure it out. After the CDing phase, I continued my partying and social growth. On the positive side, I had some AMAZINGLY FUN times - despite my emotional senses, I am still extremely extroverted. And by this stage, likely with the help of alcohol, I had managed to build up some protective walls so the harsh words of brotherhood didn't affect me so much. I made MANY friends, and had sex with MANY women in my early-mid 20s.
The negative side: this immense social success made it very easy to ignore AGP tendencies. I still had very strong AGP masturbation fantasies, and was actually imagining I was many of the women I slept with. But because I was satisfying a huge social issue for me, this wasn't a big deal...
...until I actually fell for a girl, instead of just wanting a one-night stand. All my obsessive thinking was transferred to her - and I never got with her, even though we spent almost every day together for 2 years. We took the same classes, but she completely friend-zoned me. I would still hook up with other women, but she was always the target.
She also didn't help the AGP by saying things like "I wish you were girl so we could talk about fashion/boys/etc." or "what if we come back for a class reunion in 10 years and you're a woman!" Idk if this broad could see the underlying femininity or what, but that was certainly not great.
Eventually, after trying to overtly and forthrightly convince her to date me for two years, I drunkenly tried to fight my friend at a party who was making a move on her. She hated me for this, and said she never wanted to speak to me again.
"OH HI MARK, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?" - my AGP morphing to dysphoria at that moment in time. Yeah, turns out if you completely shut out all remotely feminine traits in public, while privately engaging in AGP fantasies, and then putting all your emotional eggs in one human being...you're putting a lot of hope in that one basket not falling. Well, it fell. And I genuinely loved her as a friend at the least, so I actually told her I wanted to meet up and tell her something important.
I told her I had "trans thoughts" and went into some detail. I wanted her to just tell me it was obvious and that I should go for it, if we're being honest. I was wide open for exploitation after having all those "eggs in a basket" explode in one night...THANK GOD I didn't know about trans reddit, they would have had a field day.
I got lucky. This girl was shocked, and told me I shouldn't do anything drastic, that she wasn't someone who knew what to do here. It's important to note she had previously expressed some curiosity toward trans people, and seemed to like the idea of them. But her very rational response here was a major blessing at that vulnerable moment in my life.
Saying a lot of these then-decade old thoughts (was probably 21-22) out loud was therapeutic enough at the time, so the dysphoria basically vanished. This is why I do not recommend "blind repression", as it can leave you vulnerable when sometimes even just talking about or acknowledging the AGP on a non-sexual level an relieve very heavy dysphoria.
But I still didn't even know what AGP was...so let's fast-forward.
First therapeutic activity
At 23, after what was probably another year of blind repression like I'd done in the past, I managed to find an outlet for my emotionally sensitive side: acting classes. I had a very tough instructor who cut right through my tough-guy act and helped break down my walls to access the emotion required for acting out highly emotional scenes.
This probably saved my life.
For me, sexually feeding the AGP directly will lead to the least-desired outcome. However, finding an outlet to vent the AGP-adjacent (feminine, softer, but not sexual) side of me seems to have altered my life a lot. I also began exercising more than ever during this stage of my life.
This was also the poorest I have ever been financially, working temporary factory jobs for minimum wage. But I don't recall any major flare-ups leading to dysphoria, even though I was still engaging in the AGP masturbation fantasies, and doing the "I'm her" thing during sex. This indicates that even during times where flare-ups are more likely, things like exercise and having a "vent" can help.
Career boost
I focused on training for my career and at 24 I got a huge opportunity with a company. This helped boost mental well-being and kept things largely on-track for a few years...
Part 3
AGP discovery
At 27, I had moved to a new city, living at an AirBnb with other people, my career lost some momentum, and I still hadn't had a stable relationship since I was 19...you guessed it, AGP-fueled dysphoria-time.
This was the most critical turning point in my entire life to this point: I stumbled upon the concept of AGP. This was amazing! It described me perfectly, and so I delved through alllll the literature, and allll the online content...but remember, my life was still un-sturdy. I still exercised, but on its own it is not enough. And now I was obsessing over the AGP, diving in head-first...I ended up entering by far the worst dysphoria since the CDing era in my teens, arguably worse.
I say worse because I was very recently 27, and was acutely aware that 27 was getting a little too close to 30. Instead of learning how to control the AGP, I ended up watching some of the sissy hypno for the first time, and masturbating multiple times a day to AGP fantasies. Fortunately, I was old enough at this time to comprehend how powerful it was, and didn't go too far in that.
But it was the most intense year of my life. I could feel a spiritual tug-o-war, it was very apparent that this was now-or-never - in both directions. Knowing my enemy in AGP was great, but it wasn't great that I had a strong condition that the literature made it seem as if one day I was doomed to transition no matter what.
Doomed to Trans?
And doesn't that just play right into the fantasy? "well, you're going to do it as an old weird dude anyway, might as well do it now and not destroy the lives of a woman and children - not to mention enjoy some attractive pretend-woman years" "just give in" "surrender to it all, let it happen"...
What a siren song for someone with AGP...and yet, there was so much at stake. While not as wildly social as my early 20's (I quit drinking to excess that year), I enjoyed my social life as a male. I was attracted to women, even with the AGP sideshow. Let's face it: the most beautiful, mentally sound women are much more likely to be attracted to an in-tact man, and a traditionally masculine man at that. They want someone to fill the father role for their children.
There's also the matter of personal well-being. I've never seen an elderly transperson, frankly, until Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. And they have the best medical teams money can buy. The facts are that medical transition is extremely dangerous...most people can develop serious health problems just from living normally, never mind the introduction of cross-gender hormones. One is hooked on a lifetime prescription of pills. As for the physical surgery elements: a neovagina has many, often disgusting, unfortunate outcomes that are far from uncommon.
We will never be women.
Knowing I had AGP really helped with that, especially as I do have some feminine-ish physical traits. It's a lot harder to justify living as a man if you're definitively instructed by society that you're actually a woman in the wrong body...and that's all I could find for the first 16 years of my pubescent life.
So I more or less listed the pros and cons of each.
List your pros/cons of each outcome
Pros of living male: great mental and physical health, attractive, great friends, get to create my own family, get to be with a great woman, career is overall still good, my future goals all align with this, day-to-day life is easy in term's of society's expectations of appearance, don't have to worry about walking alone at night etc.
Cons: never knowing for sure what the other side feels like, must exercise discipline instead of instant gratification, society expects a higher income if you plan on mating effectively, people feel less sorry for you, more responsibility
Pros of deciding to be a pseudo-woman: perhaps orgasms would be 12/10, not just 10/10, would at least be fun at first to play with female/body, basically get to hit re-start button on life and learn a new-playthrough, less responsibility, have sense of finality as opposed to constant wondering in dysphoric state
cons: may be unattractive, even if somewhat attractive will always know that you aren't actually a woman, less men will be interested in settling down, infertile, likely to die sooner, less physical strength, more vulnerable, mental health likely less stable due to nature of estrogen, operations could be botched leaving one a mutilated mess, will drastically alter all friend/family/work relationships, have to learn how to live from the ground-up in a brand new world, novelty could wear off and realize grass was not greener
...I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but it sure looks like the cons for succumbing to the AGP desires are more numerous and have much more dire consequences. It looks like a fun sexual gamble you'd maybe take with a video game character...but to take a chance risking a good life? It was obviously the worst outcome.
Do I have control?
Okay, so the AGP feelings are permanent, but I wanted to overcome them. I logically recognized that the male life is much more desirable...but once again, am I doomed? Heading towards 30, I wanted to find that special lady and have some kids, and I would loathe myself to give in to a selfish, illogical sexual kink that ruins the mental state of an entire family. Was I doomed? Not if I could help it.
If I kept blindly hoping for the best, pretending there was no dragon nearby, one day that dragon would emerge from its cave and kill me. If I was going to "die" at the hands of this thing, I was going to do it in the dragon's lair. Die bravely, or live triumphantly.
I needed to hammer this out, so I reached out to Blanchard himself, and he mercifully replied. Living in Canada, I was able to see his friend Ken Zucker, who understands AGP - I WOULD ONLY RECOMMEND GOING TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES AGP SERIOUSLY. The majority of today's gender therapists are likely to look for any reason to castrate you, more or less.
Heading into the therapy, I realized that this was an intense step and the dysphoria flared up substantially for the final time. I will admit, the AGP wanted him to tell me I was doomed and had to do it. It wasn't the logic talking, but the AGP knew it was closer to its goal than ever before...
Thankfully, talking about ALL of this with a true professional helped immensely. He said there is likely some AGP (no way!), but nothing I can't handle. I can't stress enough how fighting this head-on was such a victory for me living a normal life.
Now, this exact therapy-outcome may not be realistic for many. Money and/or an AGP-aware gender doc may not be in play. Use this subreddit, ask people like me or others whose story sounds relatable to yours. You can achieve this first step of clarity in many ways on your own.
Take control.

1. Figure out your exact condition, your feelings, what's led to it all, where you see your future...FIGURE IT OUT. Way easier said than done, but so crucial.
2. Decide your path, understanding that at no point will you be "forced" to do anything. Everything in my story after the AGP was imprinted was a choice of mine. The only difference was that each choice was made with different levels of wisdom behind it.
3. Protect yourself. Let's talk about that.

Protect yourself
Understand that while deciding to carry on as male is almost always the smart choice, and long-term the "easier" life...you are likely to have at least mild-to-medium AGP flare-ups for life. The people who go for the pseudo-woman life are sacrificing a lot long-term, but their big advantage is that they at least don't have to worry about AGP taking over any more - they've surrendered to it, at whatever cost that may be.
But if your life would be much better as a male, then I liken this logic to losing a war. Sure, the relief of the war being over would be something - you don't have to fight for your life anymore - but the repercussions may be profound, as seen by the effects on defeated nations/civilizations over the years.
It's been 2 years since my last dysphoria/major AGP flare-up, which is pretty cool, but obviously not a victory lap yet. However, there are massive differences in my lifestyle between now and my pre-AGP-aware repressions:

1. I no longer look at porn at all, or use AGP fantasies for masturbation or during sex. The urge isn't even there.
2. After implementing this mental wiring ^ I was able to increase my outward female-targeting. This landed me a great gal that I've since married, and I dominate her submissiveness automatically. Writing this essay has basically been like looking into a different world, in hindsight.
3. I've come to Christ fully and completely. To be honest, if you look at how my puberty began and where my life is now, it's not hard to see "miracles" can take place, and I do attribute God to many of my life's saving turning points...however I didn't mention His influence until now, as I want to reach as many people as possible, and I know reddit isn't the most Christian-friendly website. But I assure you that the advantages to having Faith are very helpful. One caveat: if someone does not effectively take control and understand their issues before jumping headfirst into religion, it is more likely to result in relapse. Hence the molester priests who kept their problems buried their entire lives.
4. I've returned to the weight-lifting of my early-20's, with a better diet than I ever had back then (and less of a weekend alcohol addiction). These seem basic, but mental health is so drastically improved from these factors alone, that it's worth mentioning.
5. Obsessive thought-loops: these are what spiral the AGP out of control, but they can also keep you going to the gym every day. Feeding the AGP via little thoughts will generally lead to medium thoughts, and so-on, unless it is identified and squashed early on. When I get mild flare ups I just laugh, and go over to kiss my wife, realizing she's a better woman than I could ever pretend to be. We are likely all somewhat obsessive, so be vigilant with your thought cycles.

Pillars of stability
I figured that I'd identify some pillars of stability that will naturally reduce anxiety and accompanying AGP flare-ups:

1. Career. Find a way to be happy while making money
2. Romance. The longer you use AGP fantasy in masturbation/sex, the harder this aspect will be to fulfill. If you pop an AGP boner, try switching over to a hetero fantasy before you finish. Maybe a girl you have a crush on. Tbh I've finished to visualizations of my ideal life, which is weird but seems to work
3. Physical. Work out, if not for physical appearance, then for mental well-being. Maintain a strong diet, get your vitamins.
4. Social. We are social creatures, get out there and have some fun. Loneliness is a major source of AGP flare-up.
5. Spiritual. I personally testify that God has had a major hand in my preservation, and not just from AGP/dysphoria. Maybe this seems silly, but keep an open mind.

You may notice that all of these are under attack from the lockdowns...I personally don't think this is an accident. It doesn't take a genius to see how terribly mental health in general has been affected by it all. Stay vigilant. Do not allow corrupt politicians (who don't abide their own rules) to mentally castrate you.
Final thoughts/Where I'm at now
I've been writing this for almost 4 hours now...jeez. My brain is spent, and I haven't eaten as I want this done. But let me try to offer a little bit more of my story/advice briefly. I may edit this little section if I think of something later:

• AGP doesn't have to be a curse. I actually believe that if it's compartmentalized effectively, you have an advantage over other guys when it comes to reading a woman, and knowing what she wants - especially sexually.
• self-awareness, discipline, willpower...these things reign supreme. You control a lot more than you think you do.
• I've been completely content since those fateful therapy sessions and subsequent life decisions, no hidden rage or envy. I am almost never affected by anxiety or depression
• these 2 years have been the best of my life, even though I had temporarily repressed blindly in the past. Considering I had still been engaging the AGP fantasies back then, it's no wonder something ate at me underneath it all, even in successful repression.

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Alright, that's it for me. Hope this helps someone, even slightly. There are likely spelling errors, repetition, and/or missing links/holes in the story throughout...I am not proofreading this right now, but feel free to point anything out or question anything I've written, of course. I'll edit where necessary.
Open to all questions and am always available to talk about this very lonely condition, in public or private if you prefer.
Stay strong...you are not alone.

Hey guys, I have been reading this thread al night and everyone’s stories have made me realize I am not alone. For the first time in a long time I have some hope that I can still fix things in my life. You have all inspired me to share my story.
I am 23 years old and I have been gambling since I was 16. It all started when a couple of my highschool friends decided to open up a book. At first I kept my losses to a minimum but I was hooked from the start. At the start I was only losing around $100 a week ( a lot of money to a 16 year old) but as I got older the losses began to grow. My friends being my bookie definitely strained our relationship when I was late on payments. Mostly every week I would max out my account and I couldn’t wait till first thing Monday morning for my account to reset so I could bet again. By the time I was graduating highschool I already began to have a reputation for loosing money but so did a lot of my friends so I didint really think too much of it.
Throughout college I was lucky enough to have my parents send me chase periodically to spend on food/ social life. Most of this went straight to gambling as bounced from bookie to bookie trying to cover my losses. At this point I was a junior in college and things started to get pretty serious. I realized I had a problem but was unable to stop. I was chasing after my losses every week. Once I would go on a hot streak it was like I would forget all abt what it was like to lose and all my problems would go away. All my summer jobs income would go straight to fueling my gambling. I hit rock bottom multiple times in college, owing bookies hundreds of dollars while my bank account was at $0. Each time I would tell myself I was done gambling and I would slowly pay off my debts. My all time low was when I had to call up my mom and ask to borrow money to pay off a bookie. She was very disappointed in me and I felt awful. She made me promise to never put myself in this situation again.
Looking back at my college experience I feel like 90% of it was spent being stressed out abt paying someone back or avoiding a bookie. Once I graduated and was starting a real job I told myself I would use this as a fresh start and give up gambling. At first I was able to give it up for a little bit, I was starting to build up my bank account every week thanks to my new job and I was feeling good about the path my life was going down. For the first time in my life I was not broke anymore and I had the power to spend money as I pleased. I was able to use my money to book flights to visit my girlfriend/friends back in college and life was good. Then came the legalization of sports online sports betting in my state. I decided to open up an account and deposit $100. This quickly spirald out of control. After every loss I would deposit more money and my bank account shrunk after each week. It got to the point where I was gambling away each hard earned paycheck days after it hit my account. I felt so shitty abt this because it was like I was working for free. Then came a win streak where I was able to win abt $4,000 in 2 weeks. Everything was good again and I forgot all about my problem. When COVID hit I was out of work and no longer had a stream of income. My bank account was at about $8,000 which would of been enough to live off of until I could start working again. After my heater my bet size grew tremendously I went from wagering $50 a bet to $100 then to $300 on some bets, eventually there were some bets where I would wager up to $1000 dollars on if I was up on my account. No matter how much I won I never was able to keep it. I quickly burned though the $8000 in my bank account and was broke again. I was so embarrassed and the last thing I wanted was for my girlfriend to find out. I hit a new all time low when I stole $2,000 out of my moms bank account to cover some debts/ gamble again. This was about 2 months ago. I immediately felt horrible for doing this and had a panic attack. I came clean to my parents about everything. I told them how out of control this had gotten and how I needed help to stop. I told them I was scared and I wanted my life back. They were not mad at me but were very understanding and supportive when I first told them. I promised to stop and you would think this would be the end of it right? I really wish it was.
After coming clean to my parents everything began to feel so real. The gravity my addiction finally set it. I was so embarrassed and I could not believe I let myself get to this point. I quickly fell into a depression and was put on medication to help. I wanted to use this a fresh start. I was broke but did not owe anyone any money. I wanted to earn money the right way and leave this all behind me. I knew I had lost a ton in this past but I was ready to leave that in the past. This was about 3 weeks ago. Since then I stopped using the legal sports sites because my parents were monitoring my bank accounts. However, a friend of mine from college had a book and I opened an account with him. The first week I quickly lost $1,000. I was devastaded and so dissappinted in myself that I fell back into this hole. I couldn’t stop tho I was determined to win it back and start fresh again. The second week I lost another $1000. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. My bookie was my friend I was worried he would tell all my friends back at school about my losses and worse, he would tell my girlfriend (she has no idea abt the extent of my losses). This week was my last shot to win my money back before he returned to school from break and saw my friends and girlfriend. I was using this week as one last shot at saving myself. Of course it did not work and I lost another $1500. My girlfriend is returning to school this weekend and she will be sure to hear about my losses and I’m so ashamed.
This brings us today. If you are still reading I really appreciate it because I never told anyone abt the extent of this. I am at a loss for words, i do not know what to do. My back account is overdrawn by $2,000. I have two maxed out credit cards, and now after last night I owe my friend/ bookie another $1500 on Monday. I do not sleep anymore, I barely eat, my moods are constantly dependent on my bets. I take my frustrations out on the ppl I love the most. After reading everyone’s posts on this thread I think I am ready to finally leave this all behind me. I’m done chasing my losses. I need to accept the fact that I’m in a huge hole and I need to be and adult and work my way out of it. I am going to come clean to my girlfriend tomorrow before she returns to school, I want her to hear it from me and not my friends. I am ready to take the first step to recovery but I need your help.
How can I block gambling out of my life, every time I watch tv/ listen to the radio it’s another commercial about a gambling site offering a new promo to entice people to join. Every time I hangout with my friends they are talking about what games they are betting on, every my own brothers have began to sports gamble. Every where I turn gambling is being shoved in my face, the adds on my social media’s are all about gambling. The people in my life who gamble have more self control then me. I need to stop but I cant avoid it. I don’t know what to do and I could really use some advise because I’m at the end of the line here. If I can’t give this up I don’t know what I’m going to do. Gambling has destroyed my reputation, friendships, relationships, my finances, my happiness, my sleep, my weight, I have given everything I have to gambling. I simply have nothing left to give....

When I was 19, I had come to realise that I had a gambling habit. Luckily I did not have much money saved at the time so I wasn't too phased by how much I had blown. But I had realised just how dangerous it was to log into an account and gamble hundreds of dollars within an hour.
I remember searching online for advice on how to deal with it, and I'll never forget how one person in their mid 20s had written about how gambling completely destroyed their life and the lives of those around him. He had said that the best time to quit would be right now. I slept a bit easier that night knowing a) I was not alone in having this addiction b) it could be so much worse and that I should be grateful that I had learnt my lesson at such a young age.
Well let me tell you, I did not learn my lesson! My gambling issue has continued for the past 7 years and I am now that person in their mid20s who had warned me all those years ago. I could sit here and blame gambling for all my failures(school, work & relationships). But the truth is that I allowed it to be what it was. I am someone who has experimented with drugs in the past and I can say with confidence that no drug has ever given me the same highs and lows of gambling. Everytime I log into my gambling apps I enter a false reality in which I convince myself that I will walk away a winner. I create a world that is detached from the truth to convince myself that I will win back all my losses. This world I create has never come to fruition. And when it's time to enter back into reality I find that I've chewed through my savings and caused immense pain, stress and depression on my mind & body.
As I sit here now and think about what I regret the most, it is not the money that I have blown. Its the precious time that I have spent distracted by a false hope that will never eventuate.

Here are my recommendations of games that I played for the first time in 2020. S-tier games that have become my all-time favourites made this list. 2020 was the year where I finally realised which games I actively want to play and it’s made my gaming experiences so much more entertaining.
Here are also some games to completely avoid with exaggerated opinions. These are some of the worst games I’ve ever played, ranging anywhere from confusingly irredeemable to malignant, insulting games that are only holding back video games as an entertainment and art form, and hate you for playing them.
I’ve listed some better games at the end of each review as much better alternatives with similar gameplay or style. Please vehemently disagree with me in the comments
Best: Resident Evil 2 Resident Evil 2 has everything I want from an action game. The core gameplay of running around a police department, escaping fights with monsters and zombies while working out puzzles is Resident Evil’s thing, and Resident Evil 2 adds solid gunplay, meaningful weapon upgrades and rewarding items for putting in extra effort. I only missed one which required some backtracking near the end of the game, and realised that about 5 minutes after a point of no return. The Tyrant chasing you around adds a lot of flavour to the game, forcing you to adapt strategies and plans. Resident Evil 2 also has my personal distinction of being the only game I’ve ever finished twice back to back, finishing Leon and then Claire’s story in a week.
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard Take everything I said about Resident Evil 2, plus frightening horror that actually got to me at points, a better story, and a first person perspective that works incredibly well, and that’s what I have to say about Resident Evil 7. Absolutely the best in the series as it amplifies what makes the Resident Evil games so great while adding equally interesting new ideas. The Baker family’s grotesque transformations and gory boss fights are highlights, chainsawing an old man’s face and shotgunning a crazy old woman is the most fun I’ve had this year.
Bloodborne It’s between Bloodborne or Bioshock as my favourite game of all time. I fear that I could spend hours typing what fascinated me about this game, so I’ll save my collected thoughts for another post. Bloodborne’s world is captivating from beginning to end. It unravels as you gather insight on the desecrated city of Yharnam, learning about the Healing Church forsaking the city with its endless hunts. My character, a woman who has left her land after her family were slaughtered by the same beasthood that ravaged Yharnam, fit perfectly with the story, and even thematically mirrored a DLC character’s past. By the way, The Old Hunters DLC is the best DLC ever, no doubt. If you’re going to buy Bloodborne go with Game of the Year edition, it’s spectacular. Of course you don’t need the DLC to fully enjoy the game, but it adds an impressive amount of gameplay hours, new story that adds to the main story, the excellent Research Hall level, the most dramatic boss fight and a pizza cutter weapon. Bloodborne’s gameplay is equally as fascinating as the story, with a fast-paced almost fighting game style combat system, a nearly completely connected immersive world, expert level design, some of the best bosses in any video game, and terrifying difficulty. For many players, these may seem too much or ‘not for me’, (always disappointing to see people give up on the Souls games, but understandable given the lack of beginner friendliness), and I certainly felt the same way at first. When I learnt to persevere and actively focus on the game, quitting out whenever a mild inconvenience in real life happened, it became a joy to play. I had mastered and overcome a godly challenge. I’m pretty terrible at games generally, so I honestly feel proud that I managed to beat this game and the DLC. Bloodborne’s cathartic moments, its incredible story and the pure art of the game which can be captured in a screenshot, or the masterful soundtrack, are all why it’s likely my favourite game ever.
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night Overlooked is an understatement. Made by the director of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, this game is metroidvania almost perfected. Almost, as there’s some inconsistent game design towards the end with a specific puzzle, but that’s my only real criticism. It’s also a well deserved ‘fuck you’ to Konami, with a pachinko boss fight and David Hayter practically voicing Snake. Gameplay is excellent with intuitive dungeons, bonus areas, RPG-style weapon, skills and armour customisation, and some crushingly difficult bosses. If you want a rest from the main game, you can always return to the beginning town and complete quests - my favourite is making meals for a constantly hungry old woman, as you can later buy and use them for permanent stat boosts. Shamefully, I really liked dressing up Miriam, the main character anime girl. Messing around with her skin colour and unlocking hairstyles is worth the £20 alone. With free upcoming DLC, it’s a perfect patient gamer game.
Spec Ops: The Line Spec Ops: The Line is a perfect game. Many criticise the cover shooting, but it twists the generic mechanics into something amazing. In games such as Gears of War or Uncharted, taking cover is used to stop enemies shooting at you, reload, regen health, have a cup of tea or anything you can do while crouching. Spec Ops, however, puts you against relentless enemies who will suppress your fire when in cover and move to flank you, meaning you are forced to move and take damage, or work out a strategy with your teammates on the fly. It’s not deep strategy, but it really adds a new dimension to the game which sets it apart. The level design is excellent too, with plenty of memorable combat arenas like a decaying stadium, a destroyed luxury hotel, and an abandoned mall, which all go hand in hand with the story, which needs no introduction. Dubai has been wiped out by a sandstorm, and a rogue US army battalion led by your former leader and some civilians remain. Each level adds another piece to the PTSD puzzle, as you mow down hundreds of American soldiers who scream out in fear and panic as the game slow-motions their heads being destroyed by one of your bullets, while death rattles of wounded soldiers permeate the arena. Walker, voiced expertly by Nolan North, slowly changes over the course of the game as his honest, heroic decisions turn out to be, well, not very heroic. One of my favourite details in a video game is how his reload and command voice lines change the further you go into the game, as the weight of his task to rescue civilians and extract his mentor becomes unbearable. Even the main menu changes throughout the game, representing the entropy of the city. I haven’t tried the multiplayer as there’s no one online, but the fact it’s there makes me appreciate this game even more. Spec Ops: The Line is video games as a narrative experience exemplified perfectly.
Rayman Legends Incredible 2D platformer that removes many conventions (lives, starting a level over, time) and is better for it. Each level has depth with collectables that unlock new characters and levels, and side challenges. The highlight is the music stages, which remix songs to fit the world’s theme, and the platforming is based on rhythm. Disappointing to hear of Michel Ancel’s departure from Ubisoft, as that means we’ll likely never get a sequel. I sympathise with you, Beyond Good and Evil fans. Now if only Ubisoft executives could stop trying to mount every female in the workplace and work on another of these games (Seriously though, fuck Ubisoft for the sexual assaults and their PR coverups).
Mario Kart Wii I never owned a Wii as a child. It pained me to see all my friends play Wii Sports Resort and Super Mario, but one game in particular eluded me: Mario Kart Wii. The speed, the soundtrack, the plastic wheel you put over the Wiimote - I remember being captivated by it and wishing I could have a gaming experience like that in my own home. 12 years later, the Wii and Wii U have as much grasp on popular culture relevancy as Game of Thrones, which is the perfect time to buy an old console and a copy of this game. Mario Kart Wii is exactly as I remember. Coconut Mall, DK’s Snowboard Cross, battle mode, plus all the tracks my friends never unlocked make this one of my personal favourites. I debated putting it on this list as I’d find it hard to compare to a game like Bloodborne or Bioshock, but any game that creates the same childhood wonder in me is instantly going in my favourites list. Mario Kart Wii is fun racing with enough depth to get good at, and even more exciting playing it with friends. Especially when you’ve got a spiny shell.
Worst: Rise of the Tomb Raider Basically ‘ok’ can only last so long before becoming tedious. Rise of the Tomb Raider does nothing notable with its gameplay. Most egregious is the plot that’s basically stolen beat for beat from Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. Mountains, evil super-Russians, and annoying bullet sponge mythical enemies at the end (although they’re better than the bootleg Thanos’ you fight in U2, but basically anything is). Lara Croft is insufferable, she has no personality and grunts and shoots her way through every situation. Definitely the best of the worst list as I finished only this and Detroit but I really shouldn’t have wasted my time. Instead play Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Saints Row Mid-2000s 50 Cent and Soulja Boy era hip hop aesthetics were always cringe. Saints Row goes for that materialistic objectify all women attitude without much irony and actually takes itself seriously. The beginning is every angry teenage white boy’s dream of various women trying to sleep with you, surviving a gang attack and then being recruited to this gang because they noticed you’re such a chad. I’m surprised he didn’t also win a rap battle against Eminem. It’s trying to be Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with its satire and comedy, but it ends up being cringy rather than funny when you’re listening to the stereotypical camp gay guy shouting down the radio without any smart jokes or wordplay. The game also runs terribly, even on my original Xbox One. I’m really hoping the other games in this series are as good as everyone says, and this is only a false start. Instead play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare I imagine the pitch for this game was ‘Consumers didn’t like consuming the new Halo’s that they’ve consumed. Anyway, fellow executive, how will we make consumers consume another Call of Duty?’ ‘Let’s make the consumers consume Call of Duty while ripping off Halo down to the weapon and ship designs and promise a sci-fi experience with 2016 relevant celebrities and the usual passionless gameplay, and completely break the multiplayer with pay-to-win weapons. That way we can consume all of the disappointed Halo consumers’ money plus the yearly sycophants’ who’ll buy our games every year anyway. Wanna test our brand loyalty by releasing the worst trailer ever?’ Instead play Halo 4
Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 malignant and represents the worst of ‘live service’ microtransaction lootbox fuelled games. Literally a pay to win £50 (70 USD) game with overpowered weapons only in lootboxes that Activision promised not to include, no campaign and another cringy comedy zombies mode. Fuck this game and fuck Activision. I hope the executives’ spoilt and probably racist children are happy with the money they’ve got from gambling addicts. Instead play Doom Eternal
Detroit: Become Human malignant and represents the worst of emotional story-driven artistic pretentious wank games. Horrible storytelling about racism and abuse, no interesting or likeable characters, nonsensical plot twists and unbelievably miserable forced drama. Obvious and rudimentary observations about complex and incredibly serious social issues are constant. It feels exploitative and contrived to see humans try to rape and murder the harmless androids when in the game’s own context it makes no sense. I’m really sick of seeing this stuff in games and films, the obvious contrivances like stabbing a pregnant woman in the Last of Us by accident, ‘Now you must hate her, audience!’ Terrible writing. If you don’t make the choices the game wants you to make you’re railroaded until you play the game ‘properly’, so your choices mean nothing. I chose not to rescue a character who explicitly hated me because I was an android, which locked me out of a good (relative) ending, because your choices affect a good ending/bad ending binary system. Not playing the game the way David Cage wants you to? Bad ending, though the ‘good’ endings are equally poorly written. While I did actually finish the game, it is absolutely NOT representative of how much I enjoyed it compared to the others on this list. I only stuck around to the ending because my friends constantly recommended it, and because of the praise from reviewers desperate to give any high profile game a positive review if it increases their chances of working for a game company. See this year’s Game Awards as perfect example. David Cage has no ideas that aren’t already from much better movies, the talentless misogynist. I’m pretty sure he ripped the narrative straight out of Humans, a 2015-2018 UK TV show from the few scenes I’ve seen from it. At least Kojima makes good games when he steals from movies, and dubiously sexualises women. Instead play Batman and Batman: The Enemy Within (and watch Seven, Memento, Blade Runner and Blade Runner 2049)
Aliens: Colonial Marines it’s awful, but I’ll still take this over Black Ops 4 or The Division. Every level has basic and boring corridors with broken AI targets to shoot. I gave up after a broken stealth section. Pretty funny to watch, though. Instead play Doom
Knack memes aside, Knack sucks. Broken combat where every enemy is so vastly more powerful than you, no real combos in a beat ‘em up, strange Lego knockoff character designs. I can’t wait to play Knack 2 after I’ve finished literally every other game in existence Instead play Lego Marvel Super Heroes and Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Dragon Ball Final Bout No idea why I played this, I don’t even like Dragon Ball. Anyway, it’s unplayable due to the abysmal controls Instead play Tekken 3
Wii Music Nintendo are pretty cool, but not free from making terrible games. Wii Music has no real gameplay. As soon as you put in the disc, you’ve won the game. Waving the Wiimote around without any rhythm or skill gets you through every song in the limited track list, which lacks any Killing in the Names or Through the Fire and the Flames(s). No fun at all, and especially disappointing from Nintendo. Instead play Tetris Effect: Connected
Tunnel B1 obscure mid-90s game. The colour brown. Best left forgotten. Instead play Star Wars Battlefront II
Tom Clancy’s The Division The Division proves that the gaming industry is often going backwards. It has less gameplay than Gears of War, another third-person cover shooter from 2006, released ten years before the Division. Even basic enemies are bullet sponges, meaning every encounter is hiding behind a chest high wall and waiting to unload 30 more rounds into them. The story is completely tone deaf and idiotic with a huge disconnect from the gameplay. If you’re a highly skilled operative why is one random thug so much more powerful than you? One of the most infuriating, lazy ways of designing combat, the anti-power trip. Life-wasting Ubisoft hollowness. At least I didn’t waste a weekend, as you can see all the game has to offer in about 4 hours. Instead play Spec Ops: The Line